tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107492942024-02-20T00:02:27.563-07:00Ramblings from the DesertThe man who trades freedom for security does not deserve nor will he ever receive either. ~Benjamin FranklinPat Kirbyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13412454476874666367noreply@blogger.comBlogger596125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10749294.post-66239422240158566702012-04-27T11:01:00.001-06:002012-04-27T11:02:13.120-06:00Win a Free Copy of The Canvas Thief<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.patriciakirby.com/Canvas%20Thief_final400.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://www.patriciakirby.com/Canvas%20Thief_final400.jpg" /></a></div>
Who would have thought that creating a graphic novel would hazardous to your health? Maya Stephenson certainly didn't when she created her series of stories following a thief, Benjamin Black, and his nemesis, Adam Sayres, a cop. And...then one day, two men, bearing a striking resemblance to those fictional characters show up in her life. Coincidence?<br />
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Stop by the Romance Writer's Revenge today and leave a quick comment for a chance to win a free copy of <a href="http://ebooks.carinapress.com/74C78D18-F89F-407D-A200-37AB990F9452/10/134/en/ContentDetails.htm?ID=%7B6AB00F34-0A97-427C-A274-7C993C63DEFE%7D" target="_blank"><i>The Canvas Thief</i></a>.<br />
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Read Chapter One free, <a href="http://www.patriciakirby.com/blog/?page_id=1927" target="_blank">here</a>!Pat Kirbyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13412454476874666367noreply@blogger.com28tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10749294.post-62471503309122659752012-03-13T14:59:00.002-06:002012-03-13T15:01:53.069-06:00The Canvas ThiefThis being, my largely abandoned blog, I forgot to mention that my latest novel, <a href="http://ebooks.carinapress.com/74C78D18-F89F-407D-A200-37AB990F9452/10/134/en/ContentDetails.htm?ID=%7B6AB00F34-0A97-427C-A274-7C993C63DEFE%7D" target="_blank">The Canvas Thief</a>, published by Carina Press, is now available!<br />*********************<br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.patriciakirby.com/Canvas%20Thief_final400.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img src="http://www.patriciakirby.com/Canvas%20Thief_final400.jpg" border="0" /></a></div>Ten years ago, with two perfect drawings, Maya Stephenson accidentally did the impossible. She brought her graphic novel’s characters–Benjamin Black, a thief, and Adam Sayres, a cop–into our world.<br /><br />Benjamin is tired of the real world and determined to go home to EverVerse, the land of imaginary characters. He breaks into Maya’s house, planning to force her to destroy his drawings, which will Fade him to EverVerse. The last thing he wants is a relationship, especially with the person who dragged him into this world. But when he meets Maya, his heart starts insisting he’s already home.<br /><br />Maya has always suspected she’s different. But until Benjamin and Adam appear in her life, she’s been the epitome of normal. And normal girls date guys with respectable day jobs. So why are her thoughts and hormones getting sidetracked by Benjamin, the enigmatic thief? Especially when Adam, “the good guy,” is available and interested.<br /><br />Except real world Adam is a crime lord masquerading as an ATF agent. From Maya, he wants an army of immortals. From Benjamin, he wants immortality independent of his drawings, which can only be achieved if Benjamin Fades to EverVerse, taking one of Adam’s drawings with him.<br /><br />Benjamin and Maya fight their attraction, all the while coming up with reasons to see each other. But falling is love is the least of their troubles. Not when Adam is willing to do anything, including hurting Maya’s friends and family, to get what he wants.<br /><br />******************<br />Buy it from <a href="http://ebooks.carinapress.com/74C78D18-F89F-407D-A200-37AB990F9452/10/134/en/ContentDetails.htm?ID=%7B6AB00F34-0A97-427C-A274-7C993C63DEFE%7D" target="_blank">Carina Press</a> and <a href="http://www.amazon.com/The-Canvas-Thief-ebook/dp/B006BXI9D0" target="_blank">Amazon</a> and <a href="http://www.audible.com/pd/ref=sr_1_1?asin=B006RK5FL6&qid=1331672095&sr=1-1" target="_blank">Audible</a> (audio book).<br />Read Chapter One <a href="http://www.patriciakirby.com/blog/?page_id=1927">here</a>.Pat Kirbyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13412454476874666367noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10749294.post-10111003092422497522011-11-18T11:45:00.004-07:002011-11-18T11:53:35.154-07:00I Make ArtZ!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhS50MyGeGe4BYUzQdFuAhGLUQZDpxFivxBLtJ3GHlvjd9nI9Pwka-KUrRLWc4kemrp7iDLhN_emVEouatOp7OllwLOMHRmTodELlL17BdN31cO0n3s4iilegvH2up2f8Nx0PxZ/s1600/styalizedmermaid.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 310px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhS50MyGeGe4BYUzQdFuAhGLUQZDpxFivxBLtJ3GHlvjd9nI9Pwka-KUrRLWc4kemrp7iDLhN_emVEouatOp7OllwLOMHRmTodELlL17BdN31cO0n3s4iilegvH2up2f8Nx0PxZ/s320/styalizedmermaid.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5676410614725351090" border="0" /></a><br />In the Albuquerque, New Mexico area this Thanksgiving weekend? Looking for a fun place to shop, without the Black Friday lunacy and a way to support small business?<br /><br />Look no farther, it's the <span style="font-weight: bold;">Corrales Holiday Art Fest</span>, featuring 40 artists, including yours truly. Admission is free. Most of the artists will be participating in a 10% off coupon program. (At our booth, Adobe Dragon, the coupon will apply to any purchase over $50.)<br /><br />I will also have copies of my book, <a href="http://www.amazon.com/The-Music-of-Chaos-ebook/dp/B004LLIX3A/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&m=AG56TWVU5XWC2&s=digital-text&qid=1296684145&sr=1-1">The Music of Chaos</a> on hand. (On Saturday, November 26, I will be at a group book signing at the nearby Old Church from 1pm to 5pm.)<br /><br />Come on out to Corrales, New Mexico, November 25-27, for art and fun.Pat Kirbyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13412454476874666367noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10749294.post-20348868445657294632011-07-22T14:21:00.008-06:002011-07-22T14:57:12.160-06:00The Music of Chaos, Free Book Contest<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.patriciakirby.com/TMOC_SM.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 209px; height: 309px;" src="http://www.patriciakirby.com/TMOC_SM.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Free</span> urban fantasy book! <span style="font-weight: bold;">Free</span> art! That right,<span style="font-style: italic;"> free</span>.<br /><br />Win a free copy of my quirky urban fantasy, <span style="font-style: italic;">The Music of Chaos</span>. It's easy. Just click this <a href="http://www.romancejunkies.com/summersplashcontest/PKirby.html" target="_blank">link</a> to go my contest page over on Romance Junkies. There, you'll see the following question:<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"></span><blockquote><span style="font-style: italic;">"What is the name of ...'the brave soul who had dared the displeasure of my company'?"</span></blockquote><br /><br />The answer can easily be found in <a href="http://www.patriciakirby.com/blog/?page_id=585" target="_blank">Chapter One</a> of <span style="font-style: italic;">The Music of Chaos</span>. (Seriously, you can just skim through the text. He is the only other person in the scene.)<br /><br />The contest runs through <span style="font-weight: bold;">August 31, 2011</span>, so you have time to enter multiple times. While you're there, check out some of the other <a href="http://www.romancejunkies.com/summersplashcontest/postcard1.html" target="_blank">authors/books</a> that are participating in this contest.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">***The Music of Chaos***<br />***Back Cover Summary***<br /></div><br /><blockquote>"My century long career as a Wolfe did bear a stronger resemblance to a blooper reel than a profession..."<br /><br />Regan O’Connell has a PhD and a good job as a project manager with a consulting company. Unbeknownst to her human co-workers, she’s 130 years old, and has a magical pedigree that includes vampires and elven royalty.<br /><br />Immature by the standards of immortals, she has little control over the magic that simmers in her blood. For more than a century, she has worked as a secret operative for the vampire syndicate the Grey Brethren. For just as long, she has hidden her magical disability, struggling with one paranormal misadventure after another. Tired of her shenanigans, the Grey Brethren station her in Albuquerque, far out-of-the-way by paranormal standards.<br /><br />The arrival of a mysterious user of chaotic magic—a world destroying power—spells the end of Regan’s trouble-free existence. Soon after, her vampire employers issue an ultimatum: find and neutralize the chaotic magic user or find a new job. To make matters worse, she has inadvertently started a war and developed a surprising attraction to a human. Sorting the mess out will require a little help from her friends, some growing up, and acceptance that she will never be a practitioner of conventional magic.</blockquote><br />*****<br /><br />Available from <a href="http://www.decadentpublishing.com/product_info.php?products_id=288&osCsid=712e82ecd385c699843e9fdea28390f0" target="_blank">Decadent Publishing</a> and <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Music-Chaos-P-Kirby/dp/161333060X/ref=tmm_pap_title_0" target="_blank">Amazon</a>.<br /><br />Also available in<a href="http://www.amazon.com/The-Music-of-Chaos-ebook/dp/B004LLIX3A" target="_blank"> ebook format</a>.Pat Kirbyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13412454476874666367noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10749294.post-13708182801624233112011-06-21T15:56:00.006-06:002011-06-21T16:28:32.411-06:00The Music of Chaos, Now in Print<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgl6s7s22BmXJ69Wl6rJSiNVu4EI1q8ijHPPfQiglPdhQUsiSmUJ02W7Aqt5ROw9NDynWJ_CX_1gAv4QwaTbSMxBkLmBtMC2DvL0Cc-TAWcmkhZmdQh1ieug0ANQIdnKGiW_oOm/s1600/draco+sells+books.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 222px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgl6s7s22BmXJ69Wl6rJSiNVu4EI1q8ijHPPfQiglPdhQUsiSmUJ02W7Aqt5ROw9NDynWJ_CX_1gAv4QwaTbSMxBkLmBtMC2DvL0Cc-TAWcmkhZmdQh1ieug0ANQIdnKGiW_oOm/s320/draco+sells+books.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5620797247431421954" border="0" /></a><br />Looking for a fun summer read? <span style="font-style: italic;">The Music of Chaos</span>, my light urban fantasy about a not-entirely competent paranormal secret agent, is now <a href="http://www.decadentpublishing.com/product_info.php?products_id=288&osCsid=712e82ecd385c699843e9fdea28390f0" target="_blank">available in print</a>.<br /><br />The pitch:<br /><blockquote><blockquote>"Blind dates are always a train wreck."<br />By day, Regan O'Connell is a highly respected project manager. By night, she's a Wolfe, a paranormal agent working for a vampire syndicate.<br /><br />Her two worlds collide when a co-worker sets her up with tall, dark and sexy Jason Lake. Jason is a Holder, a member of an ancient, all-human organization dedicated to policing the activities of things that go bump in the night. Things like half-vampire Regan.<br /><br />Falling for the wrong guy is the least of Regan's problems. There's a murderer on the loose, and his favorite weapon is chaotic magic, an erratic force with the power to rip holes in the fabric of the universe. And the best way to catch the killer is to get close to Jason, the man who is not only her enemy, but her prime suspect.</blockquote></blockquote><blockquote></blockquote><br /><br />Set in New Mexico, <span style="font-style: italic;">The Music of Chaos</span> features a vampire who'd rather drink beer than blood; a pacifist dark elf; and a half-vampire heroine who is better at math than magic. You can read a chapter--Free--<a href="http://www.patriciakirby.com/blog/?page_id=585" target="_blank">here</a>.<br /><br />Buy it now (please) at <a href="http://www.decadentpublishing.com/product_info.php?products_id=288&osCsid=712e82ecd385c699843e9fdea28390f0" target="_blank">Decadent Publishing</a> or <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Music-Chaos-P-Kirby/dp/161333060X/ref=tmm_pap_title_0?ie=UTF8&qid=1308691991&sr=1-2-ent" target="_blank">Amazon</a>.<br /><br />For those who want instant gratification, you can download the ebook version: <a href="http://www.decadentpublishing.com/product_info.php?products_id=210&osCsid=spub2ang3tu13upcroqt742c21" target="_blank">Decadent Publishing</a>, <a href="http://www.amazon.com/The-Music-of-Chaos-ebook/dp/B004LLIX3A/ref=sr_tc_2_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1308691991&sr=1-2-ent" target="_blank">Amazon/Kindle</a>, and <a href="http://search.barnesandnoble.com/books/product.aspx?ean=2940011182983&" target="_blank">B&N/Nook</a>.<br /><br />Buy a book or I'll kick this cute little greyhound.<br />(Kidding.)Pat Kirbyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13412454476874666367noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10749294.post-58170660169214195442011-04-15T15:58:00.003-06:002011-04-15T16:07:51.136-06:00Dear Ginia Bellafante, You're a MoronAnd a sexist one at that.<br /><br />My response to Ms. Bellafante's <a href="http://tv.nytimes.com/2011/04/15/arts/television/game-of-thrones-begins-sunday-on-hbo-review.html" target="_blank">mind-rapingly stupid review</a> of HBO's adaptation of George R. R. Martin's epic fantasy, <span style="font-style: italic;">A Game of Thrones</span>, can be found <a href="http://www.patriciakirby.com/blog/?p=739" target="_blank">here</a>, at my new blog, <a href="http://wwww.patriciakirby.com/blog/" target="_blank">But It's a Dry Heat</a>.<br /><br />But the short version is as follows:<br />A) That's not a review, as it doesn't bother to discuss plot and characterization,<br />B) Women do read fantasy, including Martin's <span style="font-style: italic;">A Song of Ice and Fire</span> series,<br />C) The book, yes, the book, contains sexual content. It wasn't added in to pander to an audience (or to make puritanical reviewers like Bellafante clutch their pearls),<br />D) Romance, chick lit and other forms of so-called women's' entertainment are not inferior art forms.Pat Kirbyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13412454476874666367noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10749294.post-51669725965186664902011-04-13T16:53:00.003-06:002011-04-13T17:08:28.229-06:00The Music of Chaos, Read Chapter OneOops. I forgot to mention that <a href="http://www.patriciakirby.com/blog/?page_id=585" target="_blank">Chapter One</a> of <span style="font-style: italic;"><a href="http://www.decadentpublishing.com/product_info.php?products_id=210&osCsid=spub2ang3tu13upcroqt742c21" target="_blank">The Music of Chaos</a></span> is now available online. Free.<br /><br />In related news, yep, I <span style="font-style: italic;">am</span> working on the sequel. I'm about more than 2/3 of the way done. It's clocking in at about 90K words, but with revision, I should get it back down into the 80K range. This storyline is very Talis-centric, although, yep, Jason is back, as is Breas Montrose, the beer-drinking, sports-obsessed vampire. And Lex the, uh, lusty fairy.<br /><br />In related news, <span style="font-style: italic;">The Canvas Thief</span>, a paranormal romance set in the same "world" as <span style="font-style: italic;">The Music of Chaos</span>, has been accepted by Carina Press. (This isn't the official announcement as I'm still reviewing the contract.) Breas is a character in <span style="font-style: italic;">The Canvas Thief</span>. Here, he's in the odd role of mentor. Well, not so odd, as his "protege" is a thief.<br /><br />Despite the presence of Breas, <span style="font-style: italic;">The Canvas Thief </span>isn't a vampire paranormal romance. It's more like a retelling of Pygmalion. Like<span style="font-style: italic;"> The Music of Chaos</span>, it is set in New Mexico; this time, Santa Fe.<br /><br />Anyhow, go check out <a href="http://www.patriciakirby.com/blog/?page_id=585" target="_blank">Chapter One</a> of <span style="font-style: italic;">The Music of Chaos</span>. Please?Pat Kirbyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13412454476874666367noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10749294.post-72692368641106079902011-03-14T16:21:00.004-06:002011-03-14T16:31:50.867-06:00Another Sally Field Moment<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.patriciakirby.com/TMOC_SM.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 209px; height: 309px;" src="http://www.patriciakirby.com/TMOC_SM.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />In which I say, "You like me, you really like me."<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">The Music of Chaos</span>, my <a href="http://patriciakirby.blogspot.com/2011/02/music-of-chaos.html">quirky urban fantasy novel</a>, scored <a href="http://theromancestudio.com/reviews/reviews/musicchaoskirby.htm" target="_blank">another nice review</a>.<br /><br /><blockquote>Regan O'Connell is a Wolfe, part of a supernatural police force. She spends her evenings killing rogue lesser vampires and her days with computers at a mundane day job. She is half vampire and the daughter of one of the most powerful vampires on earth. She struggles daily not to be a disappointment to him. Her current assignment is in Albuquerque, New Mexico, hardly a hotbed of vampire activity, which is until lately. Someone is producing lesser vampires at an alarming rate and to complicate matters, two Holders, the Wolves human counterparts have been assigned to the city as well. An old flame, Breas, an ancient and incredibly powerful vampire, suddenly comes to town as well; making her wonder what exactly is going down in her previously quiet city.<br /><br />Ms. Kirby has created a vivid and exciting world that I hope to visit again soon. The characters are colorful, bizarre, and real at the same time. I had no problem picturing each and every one of them. She let us in on just enough of the back story of each of the characters; enough to picture and know them, but leaving a bit more to learn about each of them. Regan is an interesting character; a dyslexic demi-vampire who uses music and math to do her magic. Her best friend Talis helped her through school, but the cheating is starting to catch up with her on this mission. The plot of this story is exciting and has many layers, the detail is extraordinary, and I was unable to put this book down until I got to the last page, and I didn't want to put it down even then. Hopefully there will be another Regan O'Connell story soon; I can never get too much of my new favorite anti-hero Breas. </blockquote><br /><br />Silly "Squeee!" from me.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">The Music of Chaos</span> is available as an ebook from <a href="http://www.decadentpublishing.com/product_info.php?products_id=210&osCsid=spub2ang3tu13upcroqt742c21" target="_blank">Decadent Publishing</a>, <a href="http://www.amazon.com/The-Music-of-Chaos-ebook/dp/B004LLIX3A/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&m=AG56TWVU5XWC2&s=digital-text&qid=1296684145&sr=1-1" target="_blank">Amazon</a>, <a href="http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/40197" target="_blank">Smashwords</a> and at other online retailers.Pat Kirbyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13412454476874666367noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10749294.post-62895732858269904912011-03-14T12:35:00.007-06:002011-03-14T13:01:55.117-06:00Ebook Publishing for the Lazy and UnethicalAs I noted in my posting <a href="http://patriciakirby.blogspot.com/2011/03/judging-ebook-publisher-by-covers.html">below</a>, my <a href="http://www.patriciakirby.com/blog/" target="_blank">blog</a> got plagiarized. The thieving site, is the ironically named Write (Create) Your Own Ebook (write-your-own-e-book.info/blog/judging-an-ebook-publisher-by-the-covers). I'm not including a clickable linky, because they don't deserve the linkage.<br /><br />The site is selling a book on how to write a book without actually doing any of your own writing. They [site owners] demonstrate this with their blog, which steals other people's blog postings, without giving clear, attribution to the author. (Burying a link at the end, is <span style="font-style: italic;">not</span> clear attribution.) The blog allows no comments; there is no contact information included; and their Whois information is hidden.<br /><br />Some say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but, me I'd prefer cold, hard cash, or at least correct attribution--My name (P. Kirby) on the article--of my work.<br /><br />Blog plagiarism is theft.<br /><br />Cross posted at <a href="http://www.patriciakirby.com/blog" target="_blank">But It's a Dry Heat</a>.Pat Kirbyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13412454476874666367noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10749294.post-24052080170526492752011-03-14T12:00:00.008-06:002011-03-14T16:35:18.183-06:00Judging an eBook Publisher by the CoversAnd by their web page.<br /><br />Note: If you are reading this post anywhere but on <a href="http://patriciakirby.blogspot.com/">Ramblings from the Desert</a> or at <a href="http://www.patriciakirby.com/blog/">But It's a Dry Heat</a> (both authored by P. Kirby), the content is stolen.<br /><br />These days, new epublishers are popping up like daisies on the lawn. Over at <a href="http://absolutewrite.com/forums/" target="_blank">Absolute Write</a>, someone starts a thread inquiring about a press’s bona fides almost daily.<br /><br />Before you sign a contract, or for that matter, submit a manuscript to a publisher, you should always do some research. But before you bother to Google, post a question in a newsgroup, etc., there’s one simple way to gauge whether a pub is worth the mouse clicks.<br /><br />Look at their web page, especially their home page.<br /><br />A publisher’s page should do one thing and do it well. <span style="font-weight: bold;">Sell books.</span><br /><br />It’s easier to show than tell, so here <span class="fullpost">are publishers who get it right. <a href="http://store.samhainpublishing.com/" target="_blank">Samhain</a>* and <a href="http://www.jasminejade.com/" b7491c02a273="" 10="" 134="" en="" htm="" com="" store="" target="">Ellora’s Cave</a>. Even newer pubs like <a href="http://www.blogger.com/post-edit.g?blogID=10749294&postID=2405208017052649275">Dreamspinner</a>, then their genre can be easily explained in a tag line. Sell me books, not the publisher.<br /><br />So what do you see? I see books for sale, front and center. With just a click or two, I can read a blurb and a sample of the writing. (I don’t buy books without reading a sample. Do you?) The covers are attractive and professionally designed. A listing of books by genre is available and easy to use. And buying is easy.<br /><br />What don’t I want to see on a publisher’s web page? First and foremost, no begging for authors.<br /><br /><blockquote> At Happy Shiny Books, it is our goal to nurture writers. We know how hard it is to get published with the big publishers and we know great books often get overlooked. Our writers are family….</blockquote><br /><br />Blah, blah, blahbitty, blah. Look. I’ve got a family. They’re all I can handle. I don’t need to be nurtured (that’s my mom’s job). A publisher’s job is to acquire the best books possible, and edit and sell those books to the reading public.<br /><br />Publishers who sell books don’t need to sell themselves to authors. If they do their job, authors will swarm like flies. Remember that scene from the first Harry Potter movie/book? The one where hundreds of Harry’s Hogwarts acceptance letters flooded the Dursley’s house; they spewed from the mail slot, under the door, from the fireplace.<br /><br />All a good publisher has to do is squirrel a little “Submission” link somewhere on their page, and voila, a deluge of biblical proportions.<br /><br />There shouldn’t be any big blocks of text on the page, including those that explain the pub’s mission.<br /><br /> <blockquote> At Shiny Happy Books we strive to provide the best books to the reading public at the best prices. Literature is our passion. Shiny Happy Books was established in 2008 by Mary Smith, a multi-published author who….</blockquote><br /><br />Blah, blah, blahbitty, blah. Show me da books. If it’s a niche market, like <a href="http://www.dreamspinnerpress.com/store/" target="_blank">Dreamspinner</a>, then their genre can be easily explained in a tag line. Sell me books, not the publisher.<br /><br />It goes without saying that the web page should load easily, and look professional and up-to-date. No pages that look like they were designed by the owner’s twelve-year-old kid using a 2000 version of MS Frontpage. No using a free web pages service. If you can’t afford to buy a your own URL and your own little chunk of the Internet, you shouldn’t be in the business of publishing books. (I can afford it and I’m the quintessential starving artist.)<br /><br /><br />In summary, what should you demand of a publisher’s web page? Sells books. Professionally-designed, easily navigated site. Attractive, professionally-designed covers.<br /><br />Otherwise, move on, there’s nothing to see there.<br /><br />*I linked to Samhain’s bookstore, because they recently revamped their site to feature a blog first. Not my idea of a great plan, because blogs really don’t sell [many] books. But Samhain has the clout to do whatever they want. And their bookstore sells books and sells them well.<br /><br />This post, at my other blog, <a href="http://www.patriciakirby.com/blog/?p=500" target="_blank">But It's a Dry Heat</a>, was plagiarized by a scrapper called Write-Your-Own-e-book. (http://write-your-own-e-book.info/blog/judging-an-ebook-publisher-by-the-covers/) The site posted my writing without my permission and without properly crediting me--Patricia Kirby--as the author. Hence, my cross posting here.</span>Pat Kirbyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13412454476874666367noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10749294.post-50906082243670627192011-03-03T15:05:00.004-07:002011-03-03T15:38:31.185-07:00The End of InnocenceOtherwise known as my first review.<br /><br /><a href="http://www.decadentpublishing.com/product_info.php?products_id=210&osCsid=spub2ang3tu13upcroqt742c21"><span style="font-style: italic;">The Music of Chaos</span> </a>got <a href="http://www.manicreaders.com/index.cfm?disp=reviews&bookid=12073">its first review</a>.<br /><br /><blockquote>Music of Chaos is a fast moving, well written story of sorta Good vs. really evil Evil, man vs. woman, vampire vs. anyone else. You get it. The characters are just shippy enough and just funny enough to keep this one rolling all the way to the end.</blockquote><br /><br />So now I have proof that someone other than my mother has read my book.<br /><br /><a href="http://www.decadentpublishing.com/product_info.php?products_id=210&osCsid=spub2ang3tu13upcroqt742c21"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 468px; height: 100px;" src="http://www.patriciakirby.com/TMOC_Banner.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a>Pat Kirbyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13412454476874666367noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10749294.post-23006015233170362562011-02-14T15:34:00.002-07:002011-02-14T15:38:54.418-07:00The Music of Chaos<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiE3dsJUyZpW4uqjUvn4_UXT1Sc9H_rMxpNR1BTnPSq8y40y39giCig8UiM_j6JLvcIv6iaJg56Xt6TH6ZsBlFye1JNSop3ScUhyphenhyphen9Z-cMZF-afXZVu_oux6uSds1BKEkCQRJkU/s1600/TMOC_MD.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 214px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiE3dsJUyZpW4uqjUvn4_UXT1Sc9H_rMxpNR1BTnPSq8y40y39giCig8UiM_j6JLvcIv6iaJg56Xt6TH6ZsBlFye1JNSop3ScUhyphenhyphen9Z-cMZF-afXZVu_oux6uSds1BKEkCQRJkU/s320/TMOC_MD.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5573678281094418098" border="0" /></a><br />Urban fantasy set in the desert southwest.<br /><br />*************<br />Regan O’Connell seems to have it all. She has a PhD and a good paying job as a project manager with a consulting company. Unbeknownst to her co-workers, she’s a one hundred and thirty-year-old demi-human, with a magical pedigree that includes vampires and elven royalty.<br /><br />Harnessing her magical ability has never been easy. Immature by the standards of immortals, she has little-to-no control over the magic that simmers in her blood. For more than a century, she has worked as a secret operative for the vampire syndicate the Grey Brethren. For just as long, she has hidden her magical disability, struggling with one paranormal misadventure after another. Tired of her shenanigans, the Grey Brethren station her in Albuquerque, far out-of-the-way by paranormal standards.<br /><br /><br />The arrival of a mysterious user of chaotic magic—a world destroying power—spells the end of Regan’s trouble-free existence. Soon after, her vampire employers issue an ultimatum: find and neutralize the chaotic magic user or find a new job. To make matters worse, she has inadvertently started a war and developed a surprising attraction to a human. Sorting the mess out will require a little help from her friends, some growing up, and acceptance that she will never be a practitioner of conventional magic.<br /><br />***************<br />It is available from <a href="http://www.decadentpublishing.com/product_info.php?products_id=210&osCsid=spub2ang3tu13upcroqt742c21" target="_blank">Decadent Publishing</a> and in Kindle format over at <a href="http://www.amazon.com/The-Music-of-Chaos-ebook/dp/B004LLIX3A/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&m=AG56TWVU5XWC2&s=digital-text&qid=1296684145&sr=1-1">Amazon</a>. You can also get it at <a href="http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/40197" target="_blank">Smashwords</a>. (Hint: It's about a buck cheaper if you buy it directly from the publisher.)Pat Kirbyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13412454476874666367noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10749294.post-87698530418985744752010-10-29T10:58:00.002-06:002010-10-29T11:01:16.650-06:00Fifi, Is That You?This is clearly a case of what happens when you give a <a href="http://scienceblogs.com/pharyngula/2010/10/the_war_on_christmas_continues_1.php" target="_blank">dog access to the Internet</a>.<blockquote>To 'Your Retail Store':<a href="http://www.patriciakirby.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2010/10/leglamp.jpg"><img class="size-full wp-image-95 alignright" title="leglamp" src="http://www.patriciakirby.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2010/10/leglamp.jpg" alt="" width="150" height="299" /></a><br /><br />Today I went into your store, and I was appalled and disgusted that you blasphemed Almighty God Jesus Christ and His Most Holy Nativity Christmas by selling from your store shelves a filthy pornographic lamp that said "Christmas" Story on it. REMOVE THAT PIECE OF FILTHY, PORNOGRAPHIC BLASPHEMY FROM YOUR STORESHELVES AT ONCE!</blockquote><br />The blasphemous object in question being a lamp shaped like a leg. Yep. A leg lamp.<br /><br />My mom once had a dog who like to hump the throw cushions on the couch. That dog never developed a lust for legs, but if it had, I imagine this lamp would've been well loved.Pat Kirbyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13412454476874666367noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10749294.post-84899713620097357602010-10-20T16:53:00.003-06:002010-10-29T11:15:35.127-06:00More Truthyness in AdvertsThere's this ad that's been playing on TV for the past several weeks. In it, the archetypal Soccer Mom is wheeling her shopping cart through a grocery. As she wanders the isles, she opines about the possibility of a tax on soft drinks, sports drinks, and--<span style="font-style: italic;">gasp!</span>--even flavored waters. <span style="font-style: italic;">She</span> doesn't need the government telling her what to eat and drink. It's hard enough to buy groceries, she says, without a tax on soda. (The obvious question being, if you can't afford actual food--veggies, cheese, bread, milk--why are you buying soda?)<br /><br />I'm not exactly moved by her plight. Given the rates of obesity in this country, it's fair to assume that a sizeable (heh) portion of the populace doesn't know what to eat. Soccer Mom's inability to afford enough soda to send her family into a diabetic coma doesn't strike me as a real crisis.<br /><br />The ad is paid for by Americans Against Food Taxes, which sounds very grass-roots-y and implies the taxes are on actual food. (Unless there's been a revision since I was in school, I don't think soda is in the food pyramid.) My gut reaction, on seeing the ad, was that the Americans in question owned companies like Coca Cola, et. al.<br /><br />Ding! <a href="http://www.sourcewatch.org/index.php?title=Americans_Against_Food_Taxes" target="_blank">Give this blogger a cookie!</a><br /><br /><blockquote>Americans Against Food Taxes (AAFT) is a front group funded by the beverage industry which consists of major restaurant chains, food and soft drink manufacturers and their associated lobbying groups. It was organized by the American Beverage Association to fight a proposed three to ten cent tax on soda, sugary drinks and energy drinks to help fund health care reform in the United States.</blockquote><br /><br />At issue isn't whether the tax will work. I suspect that Soccer Mom will fork over the few extra cents to keep her offspring high on corn syrup. And life will go on.<br /><br />At issue is the disingenuous nature of the ad. It would have you think that it's a matter of "folks looking out for other folks." When, in reality, it's Big Corporations getting us to look out for <span style="font-style: italic;">their</span> best interests.Pat Kirbyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13412454476874666367noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10749294.post-3408928839721699002010-10-20T15:45:00.002-06:002010-10-20T16:00:21.854-06:00Put One Foot over the Line and Lose ItThank dog for Netflix and Xbox, which provide political-ad-free entertainment. I can't entirely avoid political ads, because each morning my beloved switches on the TV to watch the news.<br /><br />This morning, as I was going about my morning chores, I heard an ad from Ben Ray Lujan's camp, featuring choice quotes from his opponent, Tom Mullins. (Mullins, being that special kind of crazy hypocrite who hates the government, all the while running for political office.)<br /><br />Anyway, among Mullins's litany of lunacy--rants against Social Security and public education--was the charming notion that landmines <a href="http://newmexicoindependent.com/57321/mullins-suggested-putting-land-mines-on-the-border" target="_blank">are the solution to the illegal immigrant problem</a>.<br /><br /><br /><blockquote>In the May 18 interview with KNMX radio in Las Vegas, N.M., Mullins says the U.S. could mine the border,...</blockquote><br /><br />And I thought, <span style="font-style: italic;">"Whadda ya bet, he's also vehemently anti-abortion?"</span> So I moseyed over to his website. Yeppers, he is.<br /><br /><blockquote>Tom is a pro-life Catholic conservative. The Constitution protects life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. How can our government condone murder?</blockquote><br /><br />So Tom loves the little fetuses, all the little fetuses of the world. But those greasy, brown people who dare cross a line in the desert sand in search of a better life for themselves and their families? Not so much. Mr. Pro-life thinks the fitting punishment for besmirching our borders without the proper <span style="font-style: italic;">papeles</span> should be dismemberment and death. Men, women, children, wildlife, and anything with enough heft to set off a mine is fair game for pro-life Mullins.<br /><br />Of course, some of the brown horde are pregnant women--where else would we get Michelle Malkin's <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anchor_baby" target="_blank">anchor babies</a>? Perhaps Mullins thinks the mines can be trained to avoid eviscerating pregnant illegal immigrants? Or maybe he just doesn't give a shit. Or maybe Mullins, like Dexter the serial killer, has a flexible definition of "murder."<br /><br /><br /><blockquote><a href="http://www.newsoxy.com/politics/candidate-landmines-border-13383.html" target="_blank">We could put land mines along the border. I know it sounds crazy.</a></blockquote><br /><br />Crazy? Nah. That's an insult to crazy people. The word you're looking for is "sociopathic."Pat Kirbyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13412454476874666367noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10749294.post-6359974620136048442010-10-19T15:10:00.002-06:002010-10-19T15:12:19.896-06:00Hot Tacos Sing Dick CheneyNeed proof of evolution? Look no further than spam. (The virtual version, as the exact taxonomic classification for the edible kind remains a mystery to science.) For every innovation in spam filters, spammers evolve and adapt ways to get around said filters. Since the majority of filters rely on subject lines, the result is a bizarre array of nonsensical verbiage in the subject line.<br /><br />Without further ado, I bring you today's subject lines from my spam box...<br /><br /><strong>"my pic for you"</strong><br /><br />Neato. Now I have something to throw darts at.<br /><br /><strong>"need to findout more about you"</strong><br /><br />I'm an evil genius with plans to take over the Universe. What else is there to know?<br /><br /><strong>"The new resume is attached"</strong><br /><br />Ah, I see you are applying for the position of "minion." I trust you do windows and vacuum?<br /><br /><strong>"Speaker John Boehner?"</strong><br /><br />Oh, another advert for erectile dysfunction.<br /><br /><strong>"get a hug when you give her a gift from Tiffany's"</strong><br /><br />Just a hug? For some Tiffany's swag, I expect to get laid.<br /><br /><strong>"Bigger is definitely better."</strong><br /><br />Not if we're talking cockroaches or asses.<br /><br /><strong>"I like you"</strong><br /><br />Really? You like me? You really like me? [Does best impression of <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2bzU77zGDlI" target="_blank">Sally Field</a>.]<br /><br /><strong>"</strong><strong>Man gets kicked in teeth by horse"</strong><br /><br />I.e., the state of dentistry in America.<br /><br /><strong>"It makes gentlemen's tool wooden"</strong><br /><br />Ouch! Splinters!<br /><br />And finally, the old reliable...<br /><br /><strong>"Hi."</strong><br /><br />Oh, come on! You're not even trying. Put some effort into it.Pat Kirbyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13412454476874666367noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10749294.post-89804537205314060032010-10-13T15:52:00.000-06:002010-10-13T15:53:08.060-06:00Read for a CureI doubt there's anyone who hasn't been impacted by cancer in some way. <a href="http://www.decadentpublishing.com/" target="_blank">Decadent Publishing</a>, through their <a href="http://www.decadentpublishing.com/index.php?cPath=67_69&osCsid=mh3enaflrgl9oa1td1hddo3v45" target="_blank">Read for a Cure</a> program, is providing an easy way to indulge your love of reading and <a href="http://decadentpublishing.blogspot.com/2010/10/indulge-your-book-fetish-while-fighting.html" target="_blank">help fund cancer research through Relay for Life</a>.<br /><blockquote>Each month, Decadent Publishing will donate our publisher proceeds from one book to Relay For Life in our effort to fight back against cancer.</blockquote><br />All you have to do is <a href="http://www.decadentpublishing.com/index.php?cPath=67_69&osCsid=mh3enaflrgl9oa1td1hddo3v45" target="_blank">buy a book</a>.Pat Kirbyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13412454476874666367noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10749294.post-10072453976391164862010-10-05T15:19:00.006-06:002010-10-20T16:08:15.003-06:00The Well-Adjusted Vampire<p style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.patriciakirby.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2010/10/TMOC_Banner.jpg"><img title="TMOC_Banner" src="http://www.patriciakirby.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2010/10/TMOC_Banner-300x64.jpg" alt="The Music of Chaos, Urban Fantasy Novel" width="300" /></a></p><br />Coming at the end of October...<em>The Music of Chaos</em>, my urban fantasy novel, from <a href="http://www.decadentpublishing.com/" target="_blank">Decadent Publishing</a>. With all the usual urban fantasy elements--ass-kicking heroine, magic, snappy dialogue, and cheese enchiladas--and absolutely no whiny, schmopey, mopey vampires.<br /><br />My vampires like being vampires. No "Woe is me, I'm a beautiful immortal with superpowers on an all-liquid diet. I <em>haaate</em> myself" nonsense.<br /><blockquote>My eyebrows crawled upward. "You realize you just made a movie reference. I am rubbing off on you."<br /><br />"Yeah. Like ringworm."<br /><br />~Regan O'Connell and Breas Montrose, vampire, having a warm fuzzy moment.</blockquote>Pat Kirbyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13412454476874666367noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10749294.post-53615243595892471742010-10-01T11:00:00.000-06:002010-10-01T11:01:04.244-06:00The Panty PestI've got him in my sights, corrosive revolver loaded and ready to fire. "The only good Crimson Lance soldier is a dead one," I mutter. My finger twitches on the XBox controller. <br /><br />And then my view is obstructed. By a moth. A smallish moth, who nonetheless, chose now as the perfect time to land on the television screen.<br /><br />"Ugh. Stupid, stupid panty pest," I say, with impotent rage. Squishing the moth is out of the question, since the little shit will then be smeared over the screen. So I wait until the Lance soldier moves out from under the bug, before unleashing caustic hell. (Side note: Borderland's baddies, when shot with caustic and incendiary weapons, melt, dying in a theatrical display of screaming and hand waving. It doth amuse.)<br /><br />"Panty pest" is code for "flour moth" in our household. You know, those nasty moths and their worms, that feed on foodstuff flour, cookies, etc.? At Casa de Kirby, their prime habitat is birdseed, which is stored in the garage. But periodically, there is a huge population explosion, and some get in the house.<br /><br />The solution is a little paper trap, loaded with pheromones. The moths, thinking they are about to meet the love of their lives, fly into the trap and are stuck on the sticky sides. The end result, moths embedded in tar-like goo, twitching pitifully, is perversely satisfying.<br /><br />Once, a few years ago, I scribbled "pantry pest traps" on on the dry erase board in the kitchen.<br /><br />Soon after, we had company and someone, my sister-in-law maybe, noticed, rather gleefully, that what I had written was: "PANTY PEST TRAPS."<br /><br />This, of course, set off a lively discussion as to the nature of a panty pest, and whether this was actually a reference to my husband.<br /><br />To this day, flour moths are synonymous with "panty pests."Pat Kirbyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13412454476874666367noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10749294.post-84836513037965831312010-09-28T16:06:00.005-06:002010-09-28T16:12:42.472-06:00Leave a Comment; Save a KittyAw, come on. It's easy. All you have to do is leave a comment <a href="http://www.smartbitchestrashybooks.com/index.php/weblog/comments/a-touch-of-scandal-spend-avons-money-and-help-rescue-kitties/" target="_blank">here</a>.<br /><br />That's it, click the <a href="http://www.smartbitchestrashybooks.com/index.php/weblog/comments/a-touch-of-scandal-spend-avons-money-and-help-rescue-kitties/" target="_blank">linky</a>.<br /><br />Then leave a comment. It doesn't have to be clever. Just any old comment is worth a dollar, donated by AvonBooks, which will go to rescue organization called <a href="http://www.catangelsnc.org/" target="_blank">Cat Angels</a>.<br /><br />Easy as pie. Do it.<br /><br />Uh, please?Pat Kirbyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13412454476874666367noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10749294.post-38108524639300525212010-09-24T09:34:00.003-06:002010-09-24T09:38:01.086-06:00That Home Time Religion<a title="Pearls Before Swine" href="http://comics.com/pearls_before_swine/2010-09-18/" target="_blank"><img src="http://c0389161.cdn.cloudfiles.rackspacecloud.com/dyn/str_strip/335441.full.gif" alt="Pearls Before Swine" width="480" border="0" /></a><br /><br />Wednesday night. Under a gray sky, a mass of fat rainclouds rolled over the house. So low you could almost touch them, but opaque and thick like dark gray cotton balls, not misty, like fog. They moved fast. Lifelike spooky, leviathans that hurried east across the valley where they collided with the Sandia Mountains, and broke apart as rain.<br /><br />Husband critter and I watched, delighted by the first rainfall in months. Outside, rain collected in puddles on the brick pathways.<br /><br />After a few minutes we looked at each other and said, "The roof!" We made for the master bathroom. ("Master bathroom" being such an incongruous term for a room the size of a closet.) Once there, we studied a section of ceiling near the ventilation fan.<br /><br />See, the homebuilder didn't bother to hook the bathroom fan vents to the exterior vents (Tiffany/Collatz Builders, I'm lookin' at you). So for nearly a decade, the ventilation fan had been pumping humid air into the gap between the drywall and roof. Ruining the roof, insulation and some of the roof framing.<br /><br />Husband critter and his parents repaired most of the damage. But that section of roof still leaks on the rare occasion of a real rainfall.<br /><br />Fortunately, the roof held on Wednesday night. So scratch "roof-tar-goopy-stuff" off the weekly Home Depot/Lowe's list. Nevertheless, we both surveyed the bathroom, silently cataloging a litany of dreams. A new vanity. Fresh paint. And did the mold just move?<br /><br />Our household doesn't just shop at Home Depot. We tithe there weekly.Pat Kirbyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13412454476874666367noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10749294.post-7692547000294335522010-09-22T14:49:00.006-06:002010-09-22T16:01:31.520-06:00Go Team Scorpion"Clash of the Titans" is delightful. Delightfully bad. Having recently suffered through the critically acclaimed, but mind-rapingly dull, "No Country for Old Men," husband-critter and I decided to dip into the shallower side of the cinematic gene pool. Clash of the Titans is the perfect vehicle for some major <a href="http://www.mst3k.com/" target="_blank">Mystery Science Theater 3000</a> snarking. Oh, boy. We haven't had this much fun since the equally vile "10,000 BC."<br /><br />It's like a story recited by your eight-year-old nephew. One event leading to another with no apparent connection, told to you in a breathless rush. It doesn't make a lick of sense.<br /><br />Other than the trailer, shown before this newer, more CG-y version of the tale, I've never seen the original version of Clash. But this is hardly an improvement. It fiddles with the story from original--Andromeda isn't Perseus' love interest this time around--and replaces a wooden Harry Hamlin with a buff, and apparently bored Sam Worthington (who seems to be wishing he'd found something else to do while waiting to shoot the sequel to Avatar).<br /><br />The absence of a love story with Andromeda, in this case, is a good thing. Andromeda is a saccharin, old-time Disney Princess. She suffers, suffers, I tell you, for the plight of the poor, and feeds bread to starving children. (I dunno. Maybe it was enriched, Wonder Bread?) I'm surprised the filmmakers didn't throw in cute little bunnies and other woodland animals to gaze at her adoringly. Anyway, she's a dud.<br /><br />Liam Neeson, as Zeus, is shiny like a lightbulb, and oozes misery (or maybe he's just plotting the murder of his agent). Ralph Fiennes as Hades seems to be suffering from a Botox overdose, as he never moves his mouth while speaking. The rest of the cast is so unmemorable, I can't even remember their names.<br /><br />Mostly, the film is guilty of larceny. While watching, phrases like, "'300' called; they want their wardrobe back" and "Lookee, it's the Scorpion King!" come to mind. (Unlike "300," Clash of the Titans suffers from a profound lack of man candy. It's like casting went out of their way to find homely men. And wardrobe/makeup worked their butts off making the few good looking chaps hideous.)<br /><br />And yeah, I was rooting for the giant scorpions.Pat Kirbyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13412454476874666367noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10749294.post-26433469358175994132010-09-20T16:24:00.000-06:002010-09-20T16:25:47.352-06:00Good Thing He's CuteAfter spending the morning staring at the computer screen at work, wondering, "What the hell is it I do I here?" I'm back home. And staring at the computer screen.<br /><br />My faithful greyhound enters the office, walking carefully over the saltillo tiles. He makes it to the area rug, sighs in relief, and plops down next to my chair.<br /><br />"Now this is nice," I think. "Exactly why I have a dog. Companionship."<br /><br />A few seconds later he starts farting. Big dog. Big, fetid, meaty farts.<br /><br />I grab a sketchpad and wave it around to clear the air every time he lets one fly. After about a dozen repetitions of this, Mr. Sensitive gets offended and leaves.<br /><br />He doesn't, however, have the good grace to takes the stench with him.<br /><br />Greyhounds are better seen than smelled.Pat Kirbyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13412454476874666367noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10749294.post-68012606875236747192010-09-17T10:42:00.006-06:002010-09-17T11:41:09.512-06:00I Don't Touch Myself<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtV-zMmCvCrLo0aP9QnQRMxrYfc_vZr7Xi7cFxdevcKGXdDJA79QJHzuYCGqF-N6ABlJO71rq66IkWer7XPjlDw4sZhLlyR8qmGYf20vbSXGJetbkXFaC0yzc0alqwcL8_8M6j/s1600/itouchmyself.jpg"><img style="float: right; margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 237px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtV-zMmCvCrLo0aP9QnQRMxrYfc_vZr7Xi7cFxdevcKGXdDJA79QJHzuYCGqF-N6ABlJO71rq66IkWer7XPjlDw4sZhLlyR8qmGYf20vbSXGJetbkXFaC0yzc0alqwcL8_8M6j/s320/itouchmyself.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5517938013268639426" border="0" /></a><br />So Christine O'Donnell thinks <a href="http://voices.washingtonpost.com/blog-post/2010/09/christine_odonnell_thinks_mast.html" target="_blank">"Masturbation Isn't the Answer?"</a> What, pray tell, is the question?<br /><br />"What's the capital of Indonesia?"<br /><br />"Masturbation."<br /><br />Yeah, she's right. It just doesn't work.<br /><br />(Of course, many Christians will tell you Jesus is the Answer. And, uh, that really doesn't work either.)<br /><br />Naturally, the idea that Little Miss No Dildos abstains from self love has been met by disbelief. Especially since she's ogling the youth pastor in that video in a way that suggests her panties are getting a tad moist. It's unlikely that the average human, possessing the usual complement of sexy nethers, hasn't had at least a few accidental, erm, brushes with self-induced pleasure.<br /><br />For an answer to this mystery, I harken back to Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Remember when Spike, tired of lusting after the real McCoy, constructs himself a <a href="http://buffy.wikia.com/wiki/Buffybot" target="_blank">Buffybot</a>?<br /><br />O'Donnoll is a Teabagger's Buffybot.<br /><br />Unlike Spike, who, after a few centuries, must have known his way around a woman's body, this bot-maker is the typical Teabagger geek, living in Mom's basement, sucking down Cheetos. Having never actually spoken to a real women--sorry, Mom doesn't count--much less touched one, his grasp of anatomy is flawed.<br /><br />The resulting construct, while lifelike and pretty, is as smooth down south as a Barbie doll.<br /><br />O'Donnellbot is the perfect Conservative/Teabagger/Republican woman. Eager to please, with no capacity herself for any pleasure. No pesky need for self-determination to diminish a guy's already shriveled manhood.<br /><br />Though, I must say, I'll give her some props for threatening polluters with <a href="http://rudepundit.blogspot.com/2010/09/fun-with-christine-odonnell-in-three.html" target="_blank">eternal damnation</a>.<br /><br /><blockquote>Fun conversation with Bill O'Reilly on Fox "news," regarding a Catholic bishop refining the definitions of the seven deadly sins on March 28, 2008:<br />O'REILLY: But if you hurt somebody by pollution, if you're a big corporation, you're dumping chemicals in the water, you're going to hell.<br /><br />O'DONNELL: Again, that's greed.<br /><br />O'REILLY: You're going to hell.<br /><br />O'DONNELL: Absolutely.</blockquote><br /><br />Snerk.Pat Kirbyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13412454476874666367noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10749294.post-21165598870284228872010-09-17T10:29:00.000-06:002010-09-17T10:30:50.945-06:00Like a Dog, Only BiggerIt's six-thirty am and my horse is bugling at the house. I, the antithesis of a morning person, am thinking dark thoughts about glue factories and horse steaks.<a href="http://www.patriciakirby.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2010/09/innocent.jpg"><img class="alignright size-medium wp-image-39" title="innocent" src="http://www.patriciakirby.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2010/09/innocent-296x300.jpg" alt="" width="296" height="300" /></a><br /><br />Bleary-eyed, I tromp out to to the barn, where the Wonder Horse awaits, stamping, snorting, and registering his displeasure over a marginally late breakfast. I fumble around in the barn, find his fly mask and enter the paddock. Just as I finish dressing him for another fly-ridden day, I notice something black and disheveled by the fence.<br /><br />He follows, clearly pleased with himself, as I investigate. The lump turns out to be the remains of a roll of landscape fabric. My neighbor had left it by the fence, and the WH yank it through and shredded it like tissue paper.<br /><br />Wonder Horse, now bored, flits off, tail in the air, toward his feeder. <em>Hint, hint, hint.</em> I stuff the remains back under the fence and head off to get the beast his breakfast. Hey. It's not my problem. The neighbor should know better than to leave anything within WH's reach.<br /><br />Non-horse people tend to think of horses as big, dull-witted, docile creatures that stand in fields, placidly munching hay. In truth, they are a lot more like destructive dogs. Twelve-hundred pound, destructive dogs.Pat Kirbyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13412454476874666367noreply@blogger.com0