Ramblings from the Desert

The man who trades freedom for security does not deserve nor will he ever receive either. ~Benjamin Franklin

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Location: New Mexico

Author of the urban fantasy novel, The Music of Chaos, and the paranormal romance, The Canvas Thief.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Getting Off A Bush

Somewhere Pat Robertson and Ricky Santorum are wanking off to gay porn.

I mean, that's all right wing fundies do, right? They think obsessively about gay sex. In fact it dominates their political agenda. War in Iraq, health care crisis and rising gas prices here at home, but what drives and solidifies the right wing base is...drumroll, please...Keeping gays from The Marriage. One supposes, this is because, as of yet, the wingnuts haven't devised a way to keep them from The Sex.

Santorum is working hard (hard, snerk) to keep us all from the evils of sodomy. (And blow jobs and 69 for that matter.) If it ain't missionary position, done through a hole in the sheet, eyes closed, mind on God, praying for a baby, it's a sin.

Of course, that doesn't stop wingnuts from getting off on lesbian action. I imagine Robertson, Santorum et al. spends many a bathroom hour, lubed up with hand lotion and waxing the snake with visions of their two favorite lesbians: Condelessa Rice and Laura Bush. "Oh, Condi," says Laura, "You lithe, Nubian goddess, pour yourself over me like Aunt Jemima."

(Rumor has it Laura isn't sleeping with the Preznit, one can only speculate on her actual sleeping arrangements.)

Could the fundies get any more fixated on homosexual sex? Short of high gas prices, which make it hard to drive across town to their warehouse church, their SUV heavily ladened with "Jesus is Love" stickers, "Support the Troops" magnets, and little Jesus fishies, the fundies are quick to drop out of the political process. Particularly, if their politicians aren't prepared to string gays up in a manner quite reminiscent of an Islamic country (Saudi Arabia, anyone?).

A constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage is headed toward certain Senate defeat, but supporters say new votes for the measure represent progress that gives the GOP's base reason to vote on Election Day.

Basically, promise to legalize bigotry and get out the fundie vote. Shee-it, not even abortion gets 'em this stirred up. See, if an "Islamist" country criminalizes homosexuals, that's bad. But if it happens in the land of the free, land of the Bible, it's okie-dokie. Fundie logic.

"Oh," opines the fundie, "But you just don't get it, you wicked agnostic, you. God doesn't hate homosexuals, he hates the act of homosexuality."

Uh-huh. Right. But God made us all, no? Which means God made homosexuals. Ergo, He made an entire group of people, who, according to His Big Book of Rules, are not allowed to have a loving relationship with the person of their choice.

Bullshit. Bullshit on a stick, cooked over an open fire.

Ah, but I'm missing the point. Gays threaten The American Way of Life. [Said in deep announcer voice.] I mean, if the Pope says it, it must be true. (Of course the Pope says birth control is naughty, but that doesn't stop most observant Catholics from ignoring that little "truism." How convee-nient.)

The Vatican also weighed in Tuesday, naming gay marriage as one of the factors
threatening the traditional family as never before.

Yep. Well-dressed married homos will be moving into your neighborhood, decorating their house way better than yours and giving you Gay Thoughts that will unraveled the fragile fabric of your marriage.

More excrement, cooked over a bonfire of religious vanities.

The only way a couple of married gays would threaten my marriage would be as follows: One of them looks and sounds exactly like Hugh Jackman, renounces his gayness, and we engage in a torrid affair. (Husband dude, you get Catherine Zeta Jones, I get Jackman.) Of course, the astute person--a club fundies do not belong to--would note that the real problem with our marriage was me, the movie-star loving slut, but hey, lets not dabble in reality.

Let's blame the Gays! Global warming, sunspots, my missing socks. It's all the fault of the sodomy-lovin' gays.

Meanwhile, the real tragedy is ignored: flags are being burned, Lawd have mercy. The crispy-fi-cation of helpless, hapless sheets of cloth! Oh, the humanity. Jesus weeps. In his next move, the Preznit will propose adding flags to the Endangered Species List. Meanwhile, he will sweep back EPA regulations that prohibit DDT, thus ensuring the extinction of the other American symbol, the Bald Eagle.*

Fuck. This country needs a kick in the ass.

*I'm being sarcastic, duh. But given this administration, it isn't all that unlikely.


Graphics and Content Copyright © Patricia Kirby 2005