Ramblings from the Desert

The man who trades freedom for security does not deserve nor will he ever receive either. ~Benjamin Franklin

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Location: New Mexico

Author of the urban fantasy novel, The Music of Chaos, and the paranormal romance, The Canvas Thief.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Lost, Maternity Leave

I don't even like babies and I was feeling sorry for Claire Baby, aka, Aaron.

In this episode, we are served an illustration of the dangers of "shaken baby syndrome." Comforting her child, Claire jiggles the little bugger as if he were a paint can in a hardware store mixer. Jigga-jigga-jigga. In one scene, she marches down the beach, Aaron in her arms, his bloated little head bouncing on her arms.

So Aaron wails and this brings the Crazy French Woman (CFW) out of the jungle. She takes one look at the baby and pronounces him "infected" and "you are all doomed." What does CFW do when she's not slinking out of the jungle and spreading her gloomy gospel? I bet she's hunting Kate's black horse. You know how the French love to eat horse.

Claire gets a house call from Jack. It seems Jack got his medical training at one of those off-shore medical colleges. First, when Claire tells him that the baby is infected, he shrugs and says, "Well none of us have gotten sick." Huh. I wonder if that's because all the adults are adults, most of whom have built up an immunity through living and immunizations? Nah, couldn't be that. Idiot. Next he tells her the baby has a virus and insists there is no infection. Last I checked, a cold--a virus--was an infection of sorts.

Claire is convinced Aaron's sickness is linked to her kidnapping, so she demands that Libby, the Island shrink, put her under hypnosis. Libby, btw, looks like she's recently escaped a drug and alchohol program, saggy-baggies under her eyes and whatnot. "If you can't get help at Charter, get help somewhere."

Claire dumps squalling baby with poor Kate and has a sit down in the sand with Libby. Libby tells her to breathe deep and relax. O-tay. There's a waste of a college education. It reminds me of Father Guido Sarducci's Five Minute University. He said he would teach you the things you'd remember five years after college. Which amounts to very little. For example, Spanish would be condensed into: "Hola, Como estas, Usted? Muy bien, gracias."

But I digress. Claire gets flashbacks of Nathan the terrible. Nathan is in a white robe and holding his big...needle. Well, what guy wouldn't want to play doctor with a pretty girl?

Claire can't take Aaron's unholy racket, so she engineers a scheme to escape into the jungle and leaves the brat with the next unfortunate babysitter, Sun. Sun chides that mothers shouldn't leave their babies alone (I thought it was "Momas, don't let yer babies grow up to be cowboys"?). This is dumbass writer-ism for "Sun is pregnant."

Kate, relieved to be free of "you got ovaries, you're stuck babysitting" duty, bats her eyes at Sawyer and he gives her a gun. Me and the J-Man, meanwhile, wonder how Sawyer can sleep at night. I mean, we know the jungle is quiet cuz he murdered the last endangered tree frog and his conscience sure isn't bugging him. But doesn't he worry that the rest of the castaways are going to strangle him in his sleep?

Claire and Kate head into the jungle in search of the CFW. On they march, into the deepest recesses of the savage land, through trees infested with Banyabai vine, its sticky tendrils reaching, hoping to catch the unwary...

Okay, so it was an uneventful (read, boring) journey. Kate channels Mr. Ekko (strong and silent) and Claire whines like a Charlie Hobbit. CFW eventually pops out of the jungle. I mark the progress of the two Daddy Longlegs, Fred and Bob, on my living room ceiling. Fred has built a mighty, webbed settlement in the far north corner of the living room. Bob's web, in the south corner, is in disrepair, probably because Fred ate Bob last week.

Any-way, Claire remembers happier times, frolicking, okay, shuffling, belly heavy with child, in the jungle with Nathan. Either they had her on some happy drugs or she's the dumbest mother-to-be ever. She's giggles and knits booties, perfectly content with her captivity.

In the present, Claire scampers into the underbrush and finds another Dharma hatch, this one leading to her ersatz nursery. The lights are flickering, but Kate says, I'll turn on the power. Huh? What's powering the flickering lights? Oh, well. The Logic Fairy is on holiday this week.

Kate finds Grizzly Other's makeup kit, including his linty beard. Claire finds a toppled refrigerator and is convinced that it must still contain medicine. Wow. Aaron is going to be the dumbest baby ever. Claire finds no, meds, obviously.

Disappointed, the three gals head back into the jungle. Claire has another flashback and remembers the rest of her ordeal:

A mysterious young woman, who looks a bit like CFW, sans the persistent rifle and desire to wear an aluminum foil hat, knocks Claire out and hauls her back into the jungle. Claire likes playing doctor and tries to return to Nathan of the crooked nose. But CFW emerges from the jungle and bashes her in the head with the butt of that rifle. Thwack!

I cheer.

So CFW is the good gal, sort of. She tells Claire to euthanize noisy little Aaron if he doesn't get better, which I guess makes her a bad gal. Given Sawyer's low tolerance for night noise, Aaron better get healthy quick.

Meanwhile, Mr. Ekko is joining the ranks of the morally ambiguous. Jack and Locke are under the impression that they can keep a pet Other in the hatch and nobody will notice. Heh. Ever tried to keep a secret at the office? Didn't work, did it? Anyway, Mr. Ekko drops by the hatch and Sherlocks the mystery. He asks for a private consultation with Henry The Other. In consultation, he tells Henry that he killed a couple of other Others. He confesses to Henry. [Insert pic of me with large question mark over my head, my dark eyebrows scrunched together in confusion.]

Henry The Other starts playing Locke against Jack, which is really the juiciest part of the episode. He asks Locke why Locke listens to the doctor. "Yeah, Locke, why do you listen to Doctor Dufus?" Locke pretends to be unperturbed, but then trashes the kitchen like a rock star.

I'm on painting duty today. The damage so far. Most of the Cocoa Rose paint is on the cabinets where it belongs. Some, however is in my hair and some of my hair is in the paint. Smudgy little reddish footprints are all over the kitchen.

I'm in trouble when the man gets home.


Graphics and Content Copyright © Patricia Kirby 2005