Ramblings from the Desert

The man who trades freedom for security does not deserve nor will he ever receive either. ~Benjamin Franklin

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Location: New Mexico

Author of the urban fantasy novel, The Music of Chaos, and the paranormal romance, The Canvas Thief.

Friday, January 27, 2006

Lost, Fire + Water



Meet Bill. Bill is a minor character in one of my novels and in the webcomic project. Bill has a sad backstory. His first owner got bored with him, stuck him in a field and forgot to feed him. For a long time. But it all turned out okay. He was saved by a rescue group and ended up with his current owner.

Does Bill spend his days moping about his sad past? Does he pen over-inflated memoirs and appear on Oprah? No. He also doesn't steal babies or do drugs. Nope, because Bill is a smart horsy. Unlike stupid humans, Bill lives in the now. Bill got over it.

Bill's too nice to say it, so I will: "Humans are stupid." Especially scruffy, heroine addicts who'd name their band Drive Shaft.

The episodes starts when chibi Charlie scampers down the stairs in a bland row house in England. He darts past a picture of Jesus--Jesus wearing striped boxer shorts--and into the living room, where big brother Liam is opening Christmas presents.

Big brother has a new Voltron. Charlie has nothing. Awe. Then dear old Mummy says, "Look what Father Christmas brought you." It's a big package wrapped in brown paper. Porn! Papa Noel brings porn. No, it's a piano. Chibi Charlie's eyes light up. Now he can write the songs that make the whole world sing.

Suddenly Charlie and Liam are all "growed" up and still in Mum's living room. This a trend, don'tcha know? Adult children living at home. Any-way, Charlie's hears a voice telling him to get a real job. It's his dad, the butcher. Dad dismembers animals and utters pronouncements that scar his son for life. Charlie ignores Dad, curls his hands into grotesque claws and tries to play piano.

And then things get MTV (MTV when it had videos), and Charlie's on the surf, playing piano. There's a baby in the piano and it's wailing, probably because it's afraid that Charlie might sing. Charlie tries to pry open the piano to no avail. Then a couple of angels in Renaissance painting-style halos show up--where else would angels vacation but the Island?--and then a huge apostle arrives (Hurley looking like he ate the other apostles).

What? The fat joke is over-the-line? Tough. This episode sucked. Even poor Hurley must suffer.

Charlie wakes up or something. He runs to tell Claire that the baby is in danger and sees her playing happy family with Locke. He fades menacingly into the jungle.

Which pretty much describes Charlie throughout the episode. He has weird dreams, flips out and annoys Claire, Locke, and poor Mr. Ekko. Charlie goes to Locke asking him to talk to Claire on his behalf. Locke, seeing a potential for Claire's, twenty-something pootang, says, "No." So Charlie twitters off and finds Ekko. Ekko humors him, tells him that Evil Baby needs baptizing. Nice. Now Charlie is obsessed with getting Aaron baptized. He's also obsessed with his collection of super-fantastic Virgin Mary's, but mean old Locke finds the lovely ladies and takes them away from our height-impaired hero.

What pray tell was the point of this episode anyway?

*"Don't take drugs; take babies"?

*"Baptize your babies or the baby Jesus will cry"?

*"Only you can prevent jungle fires" [picturing a polar bear with a Smokey the Bear Hat]

Charlie tries to burn down the jungle, steals Aaron, and we're supposed to think Liam is the one with the problem. Right. If I had to wear a diaper and dance in a giant crib, I would get loaded too. Eesh.

The most interesting things in the episode weren't Charlie. Mr. Ekko is into forestry. Hurley would like to be into Libby. His courtship gave us the weirdest line. He and Libby are bonding over laundry and he suddenly asks, "Have we met before?" The question just hangs there like a booger and she never answers.

J-Man: "She's knows he's a millionaire. She's after his money."

ME: [Humming Kanye West's "Gold Digger" song.]

Jack and Anna-Lucia are building an army, but first they must fashion a cosy home out of sticks and a blue tarp. Anna-Lucia wants to build an army the old-fashioned way, through intercourse. She scopes out the competition--Kate--and says, "Are you hitting that?" Jack first pretends he doesn't know what "hitting" means, but then admits he isn't.

I'm still hating on Anna-Lucia. If the writers wanted to write a tough-girl who can hang with the boys, they should have watched "Battlestar Galactica." Starbuck totally rawks. Anna-Lucia is just crass.

This episode was so bad I started to long for a Jack-centric episode. Yep.

I also spent most of the time wondering how well-supplied the Islanders are in feminine products. Of course, if there are no condoms, the gals will all be pregnant...no pesky periods.

Yawn. I'm only bothering to write this because if I don't, I'll get this frantic call from my mother. "You didn't blog about 'Lost.' What's wrong? Are you all right? Is everything all right?"

With hugs, for Mom.
P.K.

 

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