My Year in Books

Worth Mah Valuable Time

Wicked, The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West, by Gregory Maguire (F)--The Wicked Witch's side of the story. Prickly and peculiar, Elphaba is a victim of good intentions gone bad.

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly Men I've Dated, by Shane Bolks (Chick lit)--Contrived and fluffy, and somehow still fun. Star Wars-loving fan girl gets a second chance with the guy she lusted after in high school.

The Unhandsome Prince, by John Moore (F)--Girl kisses a lot of frogs; finds her prince; is disappointed. He's not too thrilled, either.

Industrial Magic by Kelley Armstrong (F)--After the painful Dime Store Magic, Armstrong and protagonist Page Winterbourne redeem themselves with an action-packed contemporary fantasy.

Bet Me, by Jennifer Cruise (R)--Nothing new here; plump girl gets the hunk. But Cruise knows how to build sexual tension without resorting to the usual formulaic, cloying romance plots.

Gil's All Fright Diner, by A. Lee Martinez (F)--Zombie cows. Uh-huh. Zombie cows, you betcha.

The Silver Metal Lover, by Tanith Lee (SF/R)--A love story set in a futuristic society inhabited by uber-rich, uber-snotty characters. Strong characterization and character development make for a satisfying story.

Iron Council by China Mielville (F/Steampunk)--His best so far. All the usual elements--The ReMade, Cactus men, etc.--are there, as well as many other fantastic beings. This time, however, I almost liked the protagonists.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (F)--Not Rowling's strongest book; lacks some of the joie de vivre of the early books; time well spent, nonetheless.

The Silver Spoon, by Stacey Klemstein (SF/R)--Fast-paced romantic SF with shades of the old television series "V." Except the aliens aren't actually creepy lizards underneath.

The Carnel Prince, by Greg Keyes (F)--Epic fantasy without the snore and twice the resolution of Goodkind, Jordan, et. al.

Waterborne, by Greg Keyes (F)--Young man from a small village goes on a big adventure. Yeah, it's formulaic, so what? Keyes puts his anthropology background to use and builds a complex world.

Dramacon, by Svetlana Chmakova (Graphic Novel/R)--Girly-girl romance that actually worked for me. Maybe it was the format, but I found it sweet but not cloying and filled with grownup humor.

I Dunno, Good, Bad, Both?

The Good House, by Tananarive Due (H)--Lovely writing and a strong start. Hopelessly repetitious and marred by a Happily Ever After Ending. Hello, I thought this was "horror?"

Old Twentieth, by Joe Haldeman (SF)--Begins with three chapters of exposition, ends with a variation on "It was all a dream." Ugh. But author has a great voice and his vision of the future is fascinating.

Great Authors, Mediocre Books

Dime Store Magic, by Kelley Armstrong (F)--Protagonist Page Winterbourne whines and prostrates herself to a herd of selfish old biddies, her coven, in this beat-head-against-a-wall frustrating book.

Eleven on Top, by Janet Evanovich (M)--A promising new spin on the old formula--Stephanie gets a real job--never goes anywhere because she doesn't really try.

The Good, The Bad and The Undead, by Kim Harrison (F)--Still the cool premise (a tomato retrovirus has decimated much of the human population, opening a niche for paranormal critters), and still with the cute sidekick (Jinks, the pixie), and still desperately seeking some editing.

Dead to The World by Charlaine Harris (F)--In which Harris commits the series author sin of "pulling out every character from previous books," adding a few new ones, and omitting a significant plot. Zzzzz.

Pomp and Circumstance and Snores

The Historian, by Elizabeth Kostova (H/Lit)--Dracula defanged

Tooth and Claw, by Jo Walton (F)--Dragons with hats. Tries to make social commentary, but fails. Read Iron Council or Wicked (above) instead.

Tam Lin, by Pamela Dean (F)--Pretentious, odious protagonist; a fairy tale devoid of fairies. "Hate" is not a strong enough word for how I felt about this book.

Mammoth, by John Varley (SF)--Award winning author writes "Free Willy" with mammoths. "Show don't tell" isn't a guiding principle in this book. Trite, contrivance-heavy plot with cardboard characters.

You Give Love a Bad Name

Night Embrace, by Sherrilyn Kenyon--Retarded heroine who is over-fond of the word "humungous." Hero and heroine are fucking like bunnies by page ten; no sexual tension; rambling plot which is primarily a vehicle for characters and plots in future novels.

Love Bites, by Lynsay Sands--A really neat premise: vampires are from the lost world of Atlantis and are sustained by nano-technology in their blood. Unfortunately, the heroine, who should be smart, she's a pathologist, is a moron; plot is devoid of urgency and heavy on moonlight strolls by the beach.

A Girl's Guide to Vampires, by Katie McAlister--Utterly forgettable. Really, I forget. Idiotic heroine and "kill her now" annoying sidekick travel to Eastern Europe and fuck vampires...or not. Zzzz.

Nerd Gone Wild, by Vicki Lewis Thompson--Cute at times, but never bothers to give the H/H any real obstacles to their relationship. Ultimately boring.

Undead and Unwed, by MaryJanice Davison--Technically one of the best of the lot, probably because it really isn't a happily ever after romance. But plagued by schoolyard humor that relies on reusing the same gag over and over.

Mission: Irresistible, by Lori Wilde--Has a real plot but filled with too many "so obvious can see it coming from space" contrivances. Heroine vacillates between being a functional adult and "Needs supervision."

That's all folks. Read any good books lately?

P.K.

The Power of Cute

Click on cartoon to enlarge

Job description:
Write.
Let dogs out.
Let dogs in.
Take dogs for walk.
Feed horse.
Clean up horse's habitation.
Let dogs out.
Let dogs in.
Write.
Feed horse.
Let dogs out.
Let dogs in.
Write.

The Rat Dog's desire to sit in my lap while I work has hit a real snag--the drawing tablet. I have to use it on my lap because of carpal tunnel. The Rat is not happy.

Messy linework in cartoon because the tablet doesn't balance well on a small dog's back.

P.K.

Happy Holidays

Click image for larger version.

Merry Christmas, Winter Solstice or whatever offends you the most.

Inside joke: the Greyhound is obsessed with his hedgehog collection, a ragtag bunch of stuff toys, all with the squeakers destroyed.

Rat Dog gets a bath tomorrow and one can only wonder how she'll remedy the situation. She can't stay clean for more than a day.

She found a tasty way to filth one Christmas a few years back. My father-in-law was doing the patriarch thing and carving the turkey. He carried out his morbid work on the chopping block table, the bird set in a shallow pan. The family scurried around, getting the rest of the meal on the table. The Rat Dog's fuzzy tail protruded from under the chopping block table, the rest of her obsured by the trash can.

Father-in-law kept slicing the bird and below, the Rat Dog didn't move. "What are you doing?" I leaned down and hauled her out from under the table. Grease flattened her hair and dripped from her ear tassles.

It was a juicy bird and the shallow pan had overflowed. Pulled by gravity, drippings ran in golden streams down the table legs onto the floor and the Rat Dog. The Rat Dog thought she'd died and gone to heaven. Even as I yanked her away from bliss, her little pink tongue reached for the grease moat.

Heaven was followed by hell when I dropped her in the sink and washed her with dish soap, which, by the way, doesn't cut grease on Rat Dogs.

Eat, drink and be merry.

Pat K.

Not Easy Being Green

The Grinch lives in me. Every year, as December approaches, I get greener and greener.

Last night, however, we finally got the tree up and decorated. This morning we had snow. Not snow by the standards of some; more like something that might come out of a nearly-empty can of tree flocking, but still snow.

I'm feeling a mite festive.

Also improving the mood is the fact that we are again hosting Christmas. I've got a strange territorial thing happening. I love a house full of people, as long as it's my house. Over the hill and through the woods to Grandma's house is my idea of hell.

Christmas Eve will include the traditional luminarias or as they say in the city weird, Santa Fe, farolitos. I was poking around in the last year's Christmas photos and found shots of "lumies" at Casa de Kirby (above).

To construct luminarias you need brown paper sandwich bags, votive candles and sand. Fold the top of a bag to make a cuff; add a couple of inches of sand to bag; set the candle in the sand; light candle. Voila. Now repeat at least a hundred times for maximum affect.

Some people cheat and use electric luminarias, but the Kirbys have to do things the hard way. But we set up a sort of assembly line, so in no time we've put together an army of tiny fire hazards.

Candles in bags sound terribly lame, but the result is cool, much nicer than the Griswald's type of display via electric lights.

P.K.

Persistence of Filth

Click image to enlarge.

A couple days after getting the full beauty treatment--washed, dried and fluffed--the Rat Dog was filthy again. This time around, it wasn't her natural propensity for filth, but rather The Greyhound.

He peed on her.

Weird sighthound kink? I dunno.

And parents...you know how "silence" is the sound of impending disaster? The kids are playing noisely in the next room and then suddenly silence. You cringe, wondering who just set the house on fire.

The opposite is true with pets. Silent dogs are good dogs. The worst sound is the jingle of dog tags. Typical scenario: I'm working in the office and The Hound and Rat are snoozing in the living room. Tags jingle. I ignore it, thinking someone is scratching. It keeps up. After a few minutes comes the obligatory, "What the hell are you doing in there!"

If the Hound is the culprit, silence ensues. The Rat is going deaf, so she might keep up the mischief. What sort of mischief? Well, the Greyhound might forget I'm home and think, "While I'm up, maybe I'll wizz on the couch." The Rat Dog is most likely making a nest in the sofa cushions. She gets into it, little front legs churning, claws snagging fabric and sending stuffing skyward.

Since we are hosting Christmas this year, I'd like to avoid a duct-taped couch that smells like a whino used it as a toilet.

Pets. Sigh.

Friday, yippee!

All Mah Books

Comics and clichés, the books I read...

Fifteen bookish factoids about me, via a tag by Stacey Klemstein, author of the fun romantic SF novel, The Silver Spoon.

1. At least 90-percent of what I read is fantasy. Since "epic" means "long descriptions and story arcs with no end," of that 90, the majority is contemporary fantasy. (Worth reading: Charlaine Harris, Jim Butcher, Kelley Armstrong, Holly Black and Charles De Lint.) The difference is filled with horror, mystery and chick lit.

2. I don't like romance novels. I've tried to like the genre, Lord knows I've tried. By "romance" I mean novels targeted at women who want a story that is dominated by The Relationship. The thing is, I love romance; it's like a necessary spice--salt. And I likes me food salty. But...I don't want a mouthful of salt. With the exception of Jennifer Cruise's books, romance novels are so consumed by the lurve, they're cloying. Some, like Sherrilyn Kenyon's, actually make my eyes bleed. Blood shoots out, just like a horny toad trying to scare off a predator.

3. My all-time favourite romance is War for the Oaks by Emma Bull. Exactly what I want in a romance: a slow-burn build up to that "Ah, get me a cigarette" moment toward the end. Love, love, love Phouka.

4. Once upon a time there was a princess who decided she was too good to work fulltime. Now she's poor. My book budget is tinier than the GNP of an impoverished African country. Nearly all my books come from the library. When I fall in love, the book goes on a list and gets purchased via generous gift certificates at Christmas or birthdays.

5. I'm a scientist who doesn't like science fiction. Case in point. Tad Williams's Memory, Sorrow and Thorn (series) and War of the Flowers are on my keeper shelf. But I couldn't get through Book One of his SF series Otherland. All that technology got in the way of character. SF stopped being fun when the genre decided it wanted to be taken seriously. ZZzzzzz. I'll take Edgar Rice Burrough's cheesy pulp over Neuromancer, any day.

6. If it won an award (Nebula, Hugo, World Fantasy), I usually avoid it like the plague. For example, my recent read of Tooth and Claw, a World Fantasy winner. Interesting start; no real resolution. But...the Powers That Be decided that "dragons with hats" was ORIGINAL.

7. "Original" in SF/F parlance means "full of big thinky ideas, but dense and lacking in characterization." I love archetypes and clichés, so long as the author gives them a unique spin. Vampires, romance, orphans who become kings? Bring 'em on.

8. Many of my reads are via recommendations, but I don't expect to like them all. Take two people who loved Book A; give them Book B. First person loves B, second hates it. You never know what will resonate with one person and revolt the other. Never. For example, I've heared people gush about Tam Lin by Pamela Dean. Tried it: If I had purchased it, rather than borrowed from library, it would be in the fire, keeping me warm on this cold day. I swear. It was that bad.

9. People who say that covers don't sell books [to them] are big, hairy liars. Other than recommendations, the rest of my picks are initiated by an eye-catching cover. I may not buy it, but I can't very well buy a book IF I DON'T PICK UP.

10. I love a great sex scene, but sizzling sexual tension will keep me around a lot longer. Sexual tension doesn't mean a constant internal dialogue by the H/H. "Ooo, he's so hot. He's just luscious. I need him. Ooo. Ooo." (S. Kenyon, ugh.) That's lazy writing. Show, don't tell, dahling. Good sexual tension is subtle, an accidental or not so accidental contact; the little frisson that runs up your back when "he" walks in the room. Even if it's a romance with the usual predetermined outcome, I want to feel that little sense of wonder: "Is it me, or do I detect attraction?"

11. Bad boys with a heart of gold? Love 'em. Just as long as the heroine doesn't tame them. If you fall in love with a tiger, why turn him into a kitten? The allure is that he's loyal and gentle with the heroine and only the heroine.

12. Zany humor is great but must be grounded in maturity. Think Janet Evanovich (Stephanie Plum, 1-5), Christopher Moore, Terry Pratchet, John Moore or even J.K. Rowlings. How not to do humor: school yard idiocy like Undead and Unwed, i.e., making fun of hero's name. "Sink-Lair, Sink-Lair." The third time author pulled that gag, I threw the book against the wall.

13. When I was a kid, I was told that comic books were for people who can't read [write]. Humph. Maybe books are for people who can't draw. I've rediscovered my childhood fascination and love comics and graphic novels. Much of the best, original, character-driven fiction is in graphic novel form. Yes, this includes some manga. Worth reading: Alan Moore's Watchmen and Gaiman's Sandman.

14. Strong women characters don't snipe [attack] incessantly at the people around them. PMS is a hormonal imbalance, not a character trait.

15. I grew up on a horse. Kinda bowlegged. I'm a stickler for horse details in novels. Quit reading L.E. Modesitt's series because I couldn't handle the "shake reins, horse goes" aspect of the story. I'm that picky.

***

Not tagging anyone specific, but if you've made it this far, I'll reciprocate and read through your "fifteen things about you and books." Have a terrif Thursday.

Sigh, Friday Horse Blogging

Murphy's Law operates on high with horses. The point of grooming a horse every day isn't to make him or her lovely. Instead it's a means of checking for damage and potential vet bills.

Nikster managed to ding his face yesterday. It's not serious; just a scrape. He thinks it gives his pretty boy looks a rugged edge.

Put a horse in an empty, padded room and it would find a way to hurt itself. Horses are not for the squeamish. Expect gory flesh wounds. Expect to be on a first name basis with the vet.

Most non-horse people think equines are big, indestructible beasts who will bravely go where no man or woman has gone before. Truth: Horses are fragile chicken shits.

Thousands of years ago, there was a cute, little, dog-like critter called Eohippus (Hyracotherium). Eohippus had a problem. He was tasty. And the only way to stay off a saber tooth tiger's dinner table was to be a bit paranoid. Millennia passed, and horse evolution ran its twisty path from little Eohippus to Equus caballus, the modern horse.

The modern horse has few predators, except humans, but he's still paranoid. Horses can be taught to ignore scary things like gunfire, knights in shining armor, and small children (horse eating gnomes). But it takes training and time. Some horses are braver than others. In horse parlance, however, "brave" equals "stupid" equals "lunch."

The Nikster used to believe trashcans were horse-eating monsters. With clicker training and time, I changed his mind. The training involved getting him to walk up to the trashcan and touch it with his nose. (Of course now, on trash day, we can't make it down the block without him touching every trashcan. It's like riding an obsessive compulsive. RainMan, the horse.)

Why go to the trouble of teaching him to accept trashcans? Well, because when Nik gets scared, his reaction is to turn tale and run with me clinging to his back like a tic. If he's really frightened (and not just "practice" fleeing), he might forget it's me on his back.

"Mountain lion. Yikes! Getitoff, getitoff." And then Pat sails through the air with the greatest of ease, her flight interrupted by gravity. Crunch.

Nowaday, the Nikster's not as paranoid, although context still matters. For example, black plastic trash bags don't scare him in his paddock. A bag lying by the side of the road is still an orange alert menace.

At any rate, spoiled, pet-horses like the Nikster have much worse things to worry about. Like girly bows.

Happy Friday!

Doodling For Free

Click on image to enlarge.

How to annoy your dogs. (Besides clipping their toenails.) Put on their leads and head out the door for the morning walk. Lock the door and remember that you forgot your hat. Drag canines back into the house; get hat. Out the door, once more. Decide you need a warmer coat. Back in the house. And so forth...

I'm debating starting a free web comic (serial, not Rat Dog related). I don't post my fiction online because it seems a rather desperate and amateurish thing to do. (And there's First Pub. Rights to consider.) Even if it's just to a non-pro market, I want money for my stories. Besides, I just don't believe that many people read online fiction.

But I do read web comics. Perhaps because of its inherent graphic nature, the web seems well-suited to comics. When I was a kid, I was told comics weren't real "reading," and had to sneak what few comic reads I could. The cool thing about being my age is I don't give a shit what the lit-snobs say. Comics/graphic novels are a valid method of storytelling, and difficult to do well.

But I've got decades to make up. A web comic is a hell of a lot of work, but being busy forces me to get organized. And it would be a great way to get input as I learn the trade. The creator of EarthSong Saga has some great advice for starting, including the suggestion to get a backlog of panels drawn in advance. And I still need to finalize character designs. So the start of any series will be a few months away. For the first story arc, I want to try to adapt an existing short story to graphical format.

Hmm.

[/self-indugent blather off.]



Have a great Thursday.
P.K.