Ramblings from the Desert

The man who trades freedom for security does not deserve nor will he ever receive either. ~Benjamin Franklin

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Location: New Mexico

Author of the urban fantasy novel, The Music of Chaos, and the paranormal romance, The Canvas Thief.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

How Not To Sell Stuff

-Subway Jared Commercial. Jared is desperately in need of an ass kicking.

-Hardee's/Carl's JR's Man fornicating with cow. An escapee from "Deliverance" rubs himself against a Holstein cow while jiggy music plays in the background. Poor cow rolls her eyes and readies a sexual harrassment claim.

-Toby Keith "Ford Truck man." Cow chit twanging about "Better ina Dodge." Both are proof that cousins shouldn't breed.

-Sonic commercials. Two idiots sitting in a car. Proof that siblings shouldn't breed.

-Any ads for femine products: tampons, panty liners, yeast infection creams, Midol, etc. I've never had that kind of conversation with my girlfriends. Evah!

-Old Navy. They were worse when they featured that dreadful old woman with the fugly glasses and Morgan Fairchild. Of course they feature young, beautiful people. Those are the only kind of people who look good in that crap. Old Navy sells the kind of clothes that people wear to clean the garage.

-Any local commercials where the business owner uses children (his/hers) to sell the product. "My Daddy sells the best window coverings in town." Your daddy is a cheap bastard who won't pay for real actors.

-Coca Cola commercial where uber-realistic polar bear family watches penguins dancing in an arctic valley. And then baby bear slides down and joins the penguins. They share a Coke and festivities ensue.

Nu-uh. Penguins are polar bear Happy Meals.

-Diamond commercials. Apparently all women are hos. We won't blow you unless you blow the mortgage payment on a shiny rock. "The hell with food and the kid's college fund. I want jewelry that cuts glass."

-The animated commercial where the mother bear gives baby bear a roll of ass-wiping soft toilet paper. As my husband points out, "Bears don't use toilet paper. They use rabbits."

-Cell phone commercials where parents whine about their kids using too many minutes a month. Sad statement on today's parents. My mom would have had an easy solution. She would have cancelled the fucking account. Easy-peasy.

-An oldy...I hated the Snuggle bear. If I ever caught that creepy little mofo in my laundry, I would have got my shotgun and turned him into fluffy confetti.

Chilly Tuesday. Eight degrees here. Making me cranky.



Graphics and Content Copyright © Patricia Kirby 2005