Ramblings from the Desert

The man who trades freedom for security does not deserve nor will he ever receive either. ~Benjamin Franklin

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Location: New Mexico

Author of the urban fantasy novel, The Music of Chaos, and the paranormal romance, The Canvas Thief.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Lost, Abandoned


This episode started and ended with a bang.

First, Sayid bangs Skanky Shannon. It plays out like a PBS nature special about bowerbirds. The male Australian bowerbird builds an elaborate little shelter from leaves and twigs. He then waits, hoping the female will be impressed by his construction skills.

Sayid builds Skanky Shannon a little banana leaf hut. Shannon sniffs around, finds it adequate and mates with Sayid. Afterwards, she's thirsty. Sayid, who's got that burning sensation in his nether regions, jumps up to get the water and shot of penicillin.

The candles dim and the dripping wet ghost of childhood past, Walt, is standing in the hut's doorway. He babbles something in backwards record mode and Shannon shrieks.

This is where Sayid's sheltered Iraqi upbringing kicks him in the nuts. He knows less about women than the average American male. When Shannon insists that she really saw Walt, he tells her with tremendous sincerity, "It was just a dream." Shannon gives him The Look, the look that means, "You ain't ever getting into my panties again." Poor Sayid.

Sigh. And then we get Shannon's backstory, a tale so tedious even the Bush Administration won't used it to torture prisoners. It really isn't worth much 'splainin'.

Shannon was a happy-go-lucky little rich girl, teaching smaller rich girls ballet. She dreams of working with a big time ballet company. Aw. Then her selfish Daddy has to go and get himself killed in a car wreck.

It just gets stupider. The writers dig up the evil stepmother archetype. Evil stepmother won't give her any of Daddy's money, so now poor Shannon can't pay her rent or follow her dreams. Evil stepmother points out that Shannon changes her dreams more often than her underwear and that it's time she got a J.O.B. Yeah, she's one EVIL stepmother, pushing all that maturity.

Shannon sulks and Boone, who seems to have dead marmot sitting on his head, shows up and tries to give her money. Next up, the shrill, irrational woman archetype: Shannon flips out, refuses Boone's help, babbles some kind of Lifetime TV bullshit about no one believing in her. There's a point to all this angst, but it's dull like a dentist's needle.

Deep in the jungle, the episode's third tired archetype, the uber-bitch Anna is leading Sawyer, Jin, Michael and the BackEnders to the beach. Mostly, she's getting them lost. Lost! This is of course, Sawyer and company's fault. Everything is their fault. Because she's got belly full of PMS and we're supposed to find her compelling and ask, "Why is she such a bitch? Terrible things must have happened to her to make her so nasty." Not.

Oy vey, enough with the poorly developed angst. I. Don't. Care. She's hateful and I'm starting to think she's replacing Shannon as the person I most want to die.

Sawyer's bullet wound has turned septic and he's dyin', but still full of snark. (See this is how you write a nasty character. Give them a dark sense of humor. Anna's just unpleasant and unfunny.) Over Anna's protests, everyone fashions a stretcher so they can hurry Sawyer home to Shut Up Jack and an appointment with the Jack's homemade amputation machine.

Alas, the Others are not far behind. After hauling Sawyer up a mountain, the air is filled with the sinister whispers of The Others. (The Udders, the Udders!) Is it just me, or do the Others sound a like Sauron, Lord of Evil? Ashnat...Ashnat...Nazgul...Ellessar...

Anna wets herself and screams, "Run."

Back in real time, Shannon's playing make believe. She's pretending a laborador is a bloodhound and hunting for Walt. When Sayid points this out, he gets The Look. (Sayid's good with machines, but a real "tard" with women.) She runs and runs and finally trips in the mud and starts sobbing about...no one believing in her. To shut her up, Sayid tells her he loves her.

I'm looking for a sharp implement to drive into my frontal lobe.

Then Shannon sees something in the jungle. It's Walt again and this time, Sayid sees the boy ghost too. The Sauron whispering starts. Walt holds his finger to his mouth and says, "Shhh."

Naturally, Shannon leaps to her feet and shrieks, "WALT!" She bolts after Walt, leaving Sayid staring stupidly after her.

For a second, I swear Sayid is thinking, "Ah, well. Perhaps the children will get her looks and my brains." Bang! Shannon is now officially Too Stupid to Live.

Sayid rushes to the collapsing Shannon. He looks up, eyes filled with grief and rage, and stares into the barrel of a gun held by Anna. Bwah!

Suddenly I'm torn between my loathing for the Latina menace and a pang of love. She's killed Shannon. Hurray. Bang-bang.
***
Weakest backstory ever! It's not like Shannon was really struggling to make ends meet. She's missed a couple of rent payments. Uh-huh. Folks in New Orleans who suddenly have a house boat are weeping for ya, Shannon.

On the upside, we got to see Sayid's chest. On the downside, we got to see Sayid's chest and it was covered with Skanky Shannon. I do believe this epi was 100-percent Jack free. And so far, Sawyer is still alive. Charlie Hobbit and Locke have this baby-love triangle thing going on with Claire that is too creepy to discuss.

And Shannon has been voted off the Island with a bullet. [happy Snoopy dance]

 

Graphics and Content Copyright © Patricia Kirby 2005