Ramblings from the Desert

The man who trades freedom for security does not deserve nor will he ever receive either. ~Benjamin Franklin

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Location: New Mexico

Author of the urban fantasy novel, The Music of Chaos, and the paranormal romance, The Canvas Thief.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Shut Up Jack

A tennis skirt, Shannon? Who flies in a tennis skirt? Oh, right, you're a ho.

Once upon a time a planeload of white people crashed on the Island of Dr. Moreau. Only they realized all was not well in the land. There were minorities among them. So they packed up the minorities and a token white man (criminal) and sent them out to sea in the Raft of Death. (Formerly the Raft of Hope, but she's done sunk.)

Well, heck, it's not like we actually saw Michael, Sun, Sawyer, or Walt in last night's episode. Sorry, Hurley doesn't count. He's the comic relief. The only sign of the browner men was when Vile Shannon hallucinated a soggy Walt. Of course, no one believed her, because she's Vile Shannon.

But seriously, thank God for Sayid, the other dark meat. Not that we saw much of him, because it was All About Jack. Shut up Jack.

The epi starts with a man of mystery pumping iron and shooting steroids in a James Bond Bad Guy-style bachelor pad. Beep, beep, beep. Proximity alert. He springs to action--insert any dirty images here; more interesting than reality--and the camera pans through his lair...to the bottom of The Shaft.

Meanwhile Locke and Shut Up Jack are arguing science and faith, a.k.a., "down the shaft" or "home for boar burritos with The Others." Shut Up Jack gets all pouty and Locke agrees to burritos. Sort of. Some mostly uninteresting interactions happen. Hurley tries to lighten the mood, but the comic relief, she ain't happening.

Vile Shannon loses the dog and moves a few facial muscles. (Botox wearing off, sweetie?) Sayid asks what's wrong. (Your taste in women, honey.) She snarls at Sayid and says that this is the first time anyone asked her to take of something. They tromp through the jungle and then she loses Sayid. Alas, he finds her. The Walt hallucination happens. The rest of the islanders are unimpressed, thinking she's taken one to many Botox injections to the brain. Even, Charlie Hobbit, the drug addict, isn't buying her story.

Most of the screen time is taken by Shut Up Jack. Remember his "wife?" The wife the writers pulled out of their asses at the end of Season One? (Man. When I do that, my first readers string me up by my entrails. Must be nice to be a fancy-schmancy screen writer.) Well, this week's flashbacks were to a time when Jack had the bedside manner of Attila the Hun, he wore a fringy wig that might have been borrowed from a sloppy televangelist, and the only way to meet women was by cutting open their spines. The usual self-flagellation--again, insert your own imagery, because the real version was dull--happens. Along the way he meets Desmond, Ireland's Yoda, who tells Shut Up Jack to "lift it up." Yeah, so I read all kinds of homoerotic stuff into that one, too. Also wondering would happen if you put Locke and Desmond in a room together. Yoda squared.

Locke and Kate skip the pity party and head down The Shaft. Well, more like Locke drops Kate down The Shaft--oops, butterfingers. By the time Shut Up Jack returns, Locke has vanished as well. Shut Up Jack to the rescue! Because he saves everybody. (Well, there was Boone...oops.)

Jack lurks around in the Dr. Evil's hideout, which is filled with super-magnety things and a green letter monitor from the Matrix. And he finds Locke. Answering my above question, he finds Desmond, who is holding a gun to Locke's head.

Kirby's Law: Two Yodas cannot coexist in the same space.

Uh, okay epi. I mean, not a lot happens and no Sawyer. But if everything happened in the first episode, there wouldn't be much to the rest of the season. At least, that's what I'm telling myself.



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