Ramblings from the Desert

The man who trades freedom for security does not deserve nor will he ever receive either. ~Benjamin Franklin

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Location: New Mexico

Author of the urban fantasy novel, The Music of Chaos, and the paranormal romance, The Canvas Thief.

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Lost, Blame It On Katrina

Henry Ian Cusick's website says he's Scottish and that his character on "Lost" is also Scottish. Huh. Maybe it's the gun, but he gives me an IRA Terrorist vibe. Real life Ian's kinda cute.

Episode Two, in which the writers remember there are other people in the cast besides Matthew Fox.

Water, water, everywhere and Sawyer is floundering in an inky black ocean, the wreckage of the Raft of Doom bobbing around him. It's like the Titanic, only with fire instead of ice. Then, due to a film shortage caused by hurricane Katrina, the producers cut to a scene from last week's episode. Locke ties the giant coaxial cable to a hapless tree and then heads down the Shaft.

Cut to a commercial for "Alias." Huh, apparently they're working Jennifer Garner's pregnancy into the script. One cool thing about pregnancy: it's like a license to be The Bitch that Ate Chicago.

Any-way, Locke is casing Dr. McEvil's headquarters. The place is nicely equipped with a Picasso-inspired mural, a diner-style table with artificial sunlight, and a ping-pong table. One-man ping-pong? (Heh. I think I just invented a new euphemism for masturbation.)

Casa de Mal also has a snoozing Kate. Locke wakes sleeping beauty just as Desmond (Henry Ian Cusick) and his gun arrive. Desmond asks if Locke is "Him." Locke says yes, but Desmond doesn't believe him because the real Him doesn't come with a Her. Even though Kate weighs about seventy pounds soaking wet, Locke convinces Desmond that she's a threat. Locke ties Kate up and sticks his hand down the front of her pants and stuffs his...knife in her drawers. Then he tosses her in a closet with his i-shoes.

Meanwhile, Sawyer and Michael are behaving like an old married couple. (Is same sex marriage legal at sea?) Sawyer, who's sprung a bloody leak, rescues and jump-starts Michael with some mouth-to-mouth. Michael repays him by whining and telling Sawyer this is all his fault. Their spat is interrupted by hungry sea creature.

The boys think shark attack, but in reality it's one of the killer dolphins that was freed from a U.S. military compound by hurricane Katrina. Flipper swims away and the bickering begins anew. Sawyer then wins the Too Stupid to Live Award by jumping off the raft and swimming to a smaller chunk of wreckage, a trail of blood in his wake. He almost cancels out the stupidity by extracting the bullet from his own flesh. Wow. Stupid continues since he is dangling his feet over the edge of his raft. Michael sulks and wishes he had a lawyer.

Which takes us to this week's flashbacks, featuring none other than Michael and his struggle to keep his young son. Lawyer-filthy scenes follow:

Hey, it's Donny Douglas (Saul Rubinek)! You know, Daphne's jilted fiancé in Frasier? The years haven't been good, because he's put on weight and is a bargain attorney serving the likes of...Michael. Susan, Michael's ex, has retained the services of a bloated, blond female lawyer. Seriously. The actress (
Jolene Blalock) portraying the lawyer looks like graduate from the Nick Nolte School of Hard Drinking. Despite Susan's high-octane lawyer, Michael seems to be making headway in the fight for his son. But in the end, he caves in the face of Susan's "it's in Walt's best interest" bullshit.

Next, the creators of "Lost" recycle more footage where Jack tells Hurley that he's returning to the hatch. Only this time we get a cute familial scene with Charlie Hobbit, Claire, and Claire Baby. Yeah, I know it has a real name, but you know that little sucker's evil. It was born on the Island. Evil has a name and it's Claire Baby.

Claire hands Charlie the Baby and starts pawing through Charlie's backpack. Really, Charlie, if she's this familiar, you should be "getting some." Claire makes a discovery. When not making appearances on grilled cheese sandwiches near you, the Virgin Mary lives in Charlie's backpack. Of course, this version of the Blessed Mother is like a super-happy-fun-time heroin-filled piñata. Charlie hastily frees the Virgin from Claire's grasp and mutters something about it coming in handy later.

Kate, limber little monkey, soon works herself free with the aid of Locke's big blade. In one of the weirdest moments of the episode, she immediately finds a light switch, flips it on, and starts yanking on the door. Wouldn't you turn around and see what else is in the room first? When she does turn, she finds Desmond's secret snack chamber. In the next weirdest moment, she starts stacking boxes to get to an air vent. After forty-four days on an island eating boar and sea urchin, I'd be all over that food like ugly on a corduroy suit. Then she spots a chocolate candy bar and chows down. Ah, she's human after all. And then...she commences climbing into that inevitable weakness in every Stronghold of Evil--the air conditioning ducts. Next week, I expect enormous spinning Fans of Death.

Desmond is showing Locke his computer programming skills. He forces Locke to type the numbers of doom--8, 15, 16, etc.--into the computer. Locke hits execute and the computer adds the numbers up--108. Right. I was writing more complex code when I was ten using an old Commodore 64. (Dating myself.) Jack breaches the perimeter alarms, and Desmond waves his big gun, but nothing new transpires after this point.

Michael and Sawyer are sniping at each other like two ships passing in the night. Except these ships are going the same way thanks to an ocean current. Sawyer sneers, "What are yew goin' to do, splash me?" Michael splashes him and Sawyer's raft falls apart. Seconds later, Sawyer and Michael are sharing raft space again. Keeping with the stupidity, Sawyer spots the raft's pontoon and decides to swim to it. He hands Michael the gun and we learn that Michael shoots like a girl. And so ends Flipper the Navy Seal, er dolphin.

Daylight slops over the horizon and Michael vows to get his son back. (Sorry, Michael, but The Others ate him.) The boys squint into the sunrise and see...the Island. Reaching shore, they stagger off the pontoon. In the distance they hear a familiar voice. Jin, who I mistakenly called Sun last week. Ooops. Jin darts out from the coastal underbrush, his hands bound behind him.

And I'm really impressed, because there's no way I could walk fast, much less run with my arms tied behind my back. Jin's yelling "Udders, udders." Zombie cows? Cool. Sawyer and Michael free Jin and look expectantly inland, awaiting undead beef.

Instead, we get people. The Others. Ooooh. Dammit, Jin. If you want to work on an American T.V show, you need to learn English. What next, bilingual Island voting ballots?

Too much Shut Up Jack, not enough Sayid, but a definite improvement over last week.


Graphics and Content Copyright © Patricia Kirby 2005