Ramblings from the Desert

The man who trades freedom for security does not deserve nor will he ever receive either. ~Benjamin Franklin

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Location: New Mexico

Author of the urban fantasy novel, The Music of Chaos, and the paranormal romance, The Canvas Thief.

Saturday, September 17, 2005

Alexander The Movie


Oliver Stone fondles Farrell's man boobies.

I found God during Alexander. As in "Please God, pluck out my eyeballs and strike me deaf."

One could argue that it was educational. I learned that Macedonians spoke with Irish accents and Persians wore copious amounts of eyeliner. (Hint: That's how you know they are Persians.) And, in days of yore, the prettiest women were men.

The movie is a long, boring history intersperse with the occasional melodrama that would make a Mexican soap opera envious. It begins with a very old Ptolemy (Anthony Hopkins) slurring his way through an exposition dump. More lessons follow, eventually interrupted by the battle with Persia's king Darius.

The battle was incoherent and dusty and needed John Madden and his light pen to sort out who was where and why. An apt description of the entire film. The narrative jumps back and forth in decades, complicated by a cast of actors who are indistinguishable from one another.

The sole interesting character interaction is between Alexander (Colin Farrell) and boy-toy Haphaestion (Jared Leto). But a third of the way through the story, to prove he likes gurls, Alexander marries Roxane (Rosario Dawson), and we are treated to a lifeless sex scene. The actress's enormous sagging breasts, however, add a sense of authenticity. (No bras in ancient times.)

Only highlight of the movie: Colin Farrell's scrotum. Yep, the crown jewels and a bit of his schlong. Meh. Well, one supposes it takes big stones to star in a film this excretable.

Toward the end, Alexander gallops into battle aboard Brucephalas and I turned to J-man and said, "He's going to get that horse killed and I will hate him forever." At this point, I didn't give a rat's behind about the two-legs. We are treated to Brucephalas' death and some bou-yah macho bullshit where elephants are butchered.

Die, Alexander, die. Except he won't. He's like a fucking cockroach.

Later, Haphaestion, love of Alexander's life, is lying on his deathbed. Does Alexander stay at his side, hold his hand and comfort him in his last moments? Nope. He wanders over to the window and starts monologuing.

I hate Alexander the Great and I hate his stupid movie.

[Gollum scream]Aaaaaah![/Gollum scream]

 

Graphics and Content Copyright © Patricia Kirby 2005