Ramblings from the Desert

The man who trades freedom for security does not deserve nor will he ever receive either. ~Benjamin Franklin

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Location: New Mexico

Author of the urban fantasy novel, The Music of Chaos, and the paranormal romance, The Canvas Thief.

Friday, August 12, 2005

New Mexico Barbies

If you came here for political correctness, fuggetaboutit. Regional humour.

Mattel recently announced the release of Limited Edition Barbies, specially designed for the New Mexico marketplace:

Santa Fe Barbie:
This princess Barbie is only sold in Santa Fe. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV (limited edition), a longhaired foreign dog named Wolf and an authentic faux adobe house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with "augmented" version. Ken will be a serial-drunk driver with a desire to run for public office.

Alternate version: Lives outside Santa Fe city limits in a trailer house. Wears low-rise jeans, crop tops and flip-flops. She works in a Plaza gift shop where she hawks authentic Indian artifacts (made in China) to fat, white, out-of-state tourists. Ken can sometimes be coerced to work in "construction," provided he's not too hung over.

Northeast Heights (Albuquerque) Barbie:
This modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.

Rio Rancho Barbie:
She is a Software Engineer with great social skills. Comes with a laptop and cell phone. Can juggle late night phone calls and supervising not quite adult children. Grandchildren at no additional cost. Optional Barbie neck brace available.

Alternate: See Northeast Heights Barbie, and add "I Love Jesus" bumpersticker to minvan.

Sandia Heights (Albuquerque) Barbie:
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them. Shallow Ken requires purchase of Secretary (a.k.a. the soon-to-be-New Sandia Heights Barbie)

Espanola Barbie:
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis signature knife, a Chevy Low Rider with dark tinted windows and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and can only be paid for in cash; preferably small untraceable bills; unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about. Hair spray and fake fingernail kit available.

Clovis Barbie:
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler (Rocky) jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Coors light and a Brook and Dunn CD set. She can spit over 5-feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Sometimes prays to George W. Bush, instead of Jesus. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free. Ken will shave his mullet and head for the border to be a Minuteman.

Taos Barbie:
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her "Willow". She does not want or need a Ken doll, but you if purchase two Taos Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free. Taos Barbie only bathes once a year.

Las Cruces Barbie:
This Barbie comes with a 1984 Ford Pinto with seven Barbietas standing and climbing all over the seats. Optional accessories include a GED and food stamp card. Chingon Ken and his '79 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since last week's robbery of the Pic Quik.

NMSU Co-ed Barbie:
This Barbie is short and skinny, and features a push-up bra, edible panties, and a fifth of Wild Turkey. Comes with Ken, Ken's brother Joe, Ken's friend Dave, and Ken's other friend Mike.

Missing: "The Rez" Barbie. Yeah, I'm not going there.

via an email forward, edited by moi.


Graphics and Content Copyright © Patricia Kirby 2005