Ramblings from the Desert

The man who trades freedom for security does not deserve nor will he ever receive either. ~Benjamin Franklin

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Location: New Mexico

Author of the urban fantasy novel, The Music of Chaos, and the paranormal romance, The Canvas Thief.

Thursday, May 26, 2005

Existing Soley as An Example to Others

Previously on "Lost"... A plane falls from the sky disgorging a herd of beautiful people.

This week...In what has to be the most satisfying moment on television, Arntz/Antz/Whatever proves that "Yes, Virginia, nitroglycerin is explosive." But before he blows himself to bits, he manages to get Kate's shirt off, establishing himself as a hero to men everywhere. Shut-Up-Jack, Kate, Hurley and Locke brush off the Arntz confetti and proceed to run around the jungle with the remaining dynamite. "Caution? We don't need no steenkin' caution."

Crazy French Woman returns (from where, pray tell?) and demands to see Sayid. (Honey, don't we all?). Since she's crazy, she kidnaps Claire Baby, instead. Sayid and Charlie set off to do some rescue-in' and Sayid, helpfully, introduces Charlie to The Plane that Squashed Boone and the Giant Stash of Heroine. Maybe he is working for Al Queda?

Meanwhile on the Three Hour Cruise, Jin and Michael bond and Sawyer finds new reading material--everyone's message in a bottle. The raft hits a log--a.k.a. a floating plot contrivance--loses its rudder and Sawyer gets to take his shirt off. Sawyer saves everyone's bacon, and Michael puts his hands all over Sawyer's bare back, inspiring slash fiction writers everywhere.

In the jungle, the Iron Giant shows up and Locke inexplicably tries to get up-close and personal. He succeeds famously and Shut Up Jack rescues him via a stick of dynamite. Lock is annoyed and insists that iron giant wouldn't have hurt him. Really, Lock? Is that why you were screaming like a girly-man as it dragged you through the jungle? Uh-huh. The jungle gets a little bit Kansas when Locke (Yoda) blabbers about destiny and explains that he is a man of faith and Shut Up Jack is a godless man of science. (Coming to an Island school system near you--Intelligent Design teaching.)

Charlie-Merry does the inquisitive hobbit thing, gets caught in a trap, and gets a boo-boo. We get an interesting demonstration of Iraqi battlefield medicine when Sayid sets off explosives in Charlie's wound. Er, ouch. Charlie and Sayid reach the land of big-smoky fire and find...nothing at all. Turns out The Others were all a big hoax. (Maybe?) Charges are pending against Crazy French woman--she is currently in seclusion in a rehabilitation center with bug-eyed-runaway bride. Claire Baby/Turnip Head is returned to Mom and there is much rejoicing in the land.

Raft cruisers think that blip on their radar is salvation; instead it's a demented version of The Skipper and Gilligan. Fresh out of babies, the Skipper thinks Walt looks like good eatin' and kidnaps the boy. Sawyer, third runner up in The Hollar's shootin' contest, is slow on the draw, gets shot and falls overboard. Jin dives off the raft after him. Michael gets his ass kicked, also ends up overboard, which is fortunate since kidnappers set Raft of Hope on fire. It could be worse. They could be stuck on an island. Oh.

At the hatch, the gang plants the dynamite and go through the obligatory "Who Gets to Light the Match?" round of arguing. This is getting old folks. Anyway, Locke lights the fuse and...just then Hurley sees the numbers-of-doom stamped on the hatch. He does some more running around, is still inexplicably fat, but the dynamite goes off nonetheless. They peel off the hatch and find Saddam Hussein in his tidy-whities. Er, actually, they find a deep hole. Fade to black and months of reruns.

P. K.


Graphics and Content Copyright © Patricia Kirby 2005